The last few days have gone from hope to hopeless...from numb to hurt to numb again....from anger to sad to why....all normal I suppose, under the circumstances....
But as it all starts to level off I notice that it feels different this time....another layer has come off....I have been trying to put it into words for the past 24 hours.....a way to describe it so it makes sense.
I guess it's like reaching in your closet and putting on that coat you haven't worn in a while. It's warm and comfortable and you are glad you still have it....then you stuff your hands in the pockets to warm them and find a $10 bill you had no idea was there....unexpected revelation....wondering what you are going to do with it.....
Just when I thought I had learned a bunch of stuff from the surgery, radiation, mask, scans, pokes, nausea, etc...the people, prayers, and all that love in action....I think I just learned more. It's very intangible but very real.
It's about how I look at things and people....where my value is...what to do when given an option....it's good...it's important...but it's so crappy that it takes so much to get there. I want it but I don't...you know? I am trying to decide if it's worth it. I think it is, or will be, but I am right in the middle of paying for it so maybe now is not a good time to ask...the bill just came in the mail so to speak...what am I saying "so to speak" for? It did....really....wow that sucks...I just realized that I am not only paying for these lessons physically and emotionally, I am really "paying" for these lessons. CRAP! So much for the $10 bill I just found.
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