Cancer changes things

We are going through change here at the Hinkley home and I blame me. I don't blame me in a bad way.....but I still think that most of the cause of this change falls on my shoulders.

It's not a heavy burden to bear it is just a very interesting, very exhausting one.

I am sure there is some scientific theorem to back this up but I had Mr. Horch for science and I don't think he really cared so much for science as he did for teaching anything besides science...therefore A+B=C....wait...that's math

Anyway, here is the non scientific version; I got cancer...this in turn brought about changes for me...which in turn put everyone else in a position of change...hence all the changes and the picture of change at the start of this blog.

My changes sort of started the whole thing rolling....Chad was left with no real choice in the matter....his change, since he was the ever present parent in the beginning, brought on changes for the kids and everything looked different in Hinkleydom.

The point being that things will never be the same and I need to be more understanding that these Hinkley's are not the same ones I have spent the last 20 years getting to know....."resistance is fu-tile"

Just breathe

This is what a CT scan of your lungs look like. I don't know what those white specs and lines are...thank goodness I am not this persons Dr because I would just refer to them by saying.."Well Mrs. Smith we found a whole bunch of white specs and lines on your lung CT...seems to me that those couldn't really hurt you so have a nice day."

I had my lungs scanned yesterday and it appears that everything is the same as last month. The Dr seems fine with that....there was some little spec on my liver he said was the size of the head of a pin but he's not concerned with that.

On the upside he said my kidneys were "pristine".

I had some blood test.... cpv...a few more letters followed by some numbers...that will test to see if I am metabolizing the medicine effectively...

I will most likely call tomorrow to see if those results are in but until then I think I will just breathe...............

Special gifts

I received this painting in the mail yesterday. It is from my niece in Illinois who is 10..... her name is Maddy. Little did she know that she is playing a very integral part in my recovery. With just that painting and her sweet note, I counted 1,545,377 cancer cells died. Thank you Maddy! What a special gift.

Cowgirl up

Life is funny isn't it? Well, that's all I have to say...thank you for your time.
Just kidding.... I'm procrastinating because I really don't want to tell anyone what I did. I need to though otherwise the cancer is going to grab on to the stress from the guilt and we don't want that to happen....we are trying to kill those suckers not feed them!

So I did something the other night. I was so frustrated with myself afterward....I can't tell you exactly what it was I did because I am not mature enough yet.... but let's just say....well let's just say that we all have our weak moments....and this one left me feeling guilty and ashamed of myself....it was caused purely by a lack of courage...grit...guts...backbone...nerve...you get the picture. What I needed to do was just "Cowgirl Up"....face it and deal with it and not fear it....THAT'S IT!!
I really shouldn't have been afraid....that's what really screwed me up....thank you so much for helping me figure it out. Phew, I feel better and I will know better next time. Now I realize that my job is to do my part and leave the results up to someone far more capable than I am.

It's like a huge weight just fell off of me.....gotta go....I really want to weigh myself for some reason.

Beauty lies in the true story

I was riding in our truck the other day when I glanced at myself in the rear view mirror. YIKES! All I could see was bags under my eyes large enough to "re-use" at my local grocery store, 3 or 4 chins...I lost count, and the loss of a perfectly good neck that prior to the cancer, was a good 2 inches longer.

When I lost my hair my mom declared "oh you look so much like your great grandpa O'Hair...not the compliment a woman my age is fishing for (and the pun is not lost on me either...o'HAIR)

So in summary I am a no neck, 4 chinned, baggy eyed, bald old man....perfect.

Then I thought about the title of my blog. At first it offered me no comfort whatsoever, but I thought a little longer about it. The beauty really is your story...your heart....your life...

Ladies...feel free now to switch to a less expensive night cream and live, laugh and love instead.

1965 Cinderella

This is it....Leslie Ann Warren and Stuart Damon...dorky now, but loved it then.

You can still find it at Blockbuster

In my own little corner

When I was growing up I would look forward every year to watching Cinderella on TV. This was not the animated version....it was a play on film. I loved it.I believe it was filmed in the late 50's or early 60's. I even found it at Blockbuster once.

Anywhooo, Cinderella sang a song that started out..."In my own little corner in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be." That song was floating through my head this morning so I was tempted to think about what I would be doing if I didn't have cancer.

I would love to learn how to make pottery...the wheel, the clay, the kiln etc...
I would love to grow a beautiful garden...one that I don't have to plant fake flowers from Michael's in so it looks like I watered it every day..I would love to learn to take moody, breathtaking pictures....essentially create something out of nothing, which I don't think is setting the bar too high...no I don't think it is.

But what I would love most to do.....before I did any of those things....which I can't do anyway so never mind... is to lie back on my horse, in the sun, while she grazes. That would be a most perfect afternoon.

Well I gotta go...litter boxes don't clean themselves.

Healing

Sometimes during the healing process I have felt like I am doing absolutely nothing but sitting around. I have even been known to sit around for a while, then take a nap, and then sit around some more. Truth is, healing is hard work.

Just to heal a cut your body has to do a lot of gross stuff.
1. homeostasis...where your body starts forming a clot to stop the bleeding.
2. inflammation...where your body sends increased blood supply to the cut.
3. proliferative... the body creates new blood vessels so new tissue can form.
4. remodeling...this is where collagen is realigned and dead cells are destroyed.

That sounds like a lot of work to me....imagine what it must be doing all day every day fighting cancer....cancer that is in very many places....wow I am tired....thank goodness I am sitting down.

Added to the healing process is daily life...and lately daily life has had a few twists....not good ones...and let me just say this is really stressing me out. I don't have enough energy to be stressed out...

So here is my request...No more divorce, cancer, phlebitis, dermatitis, sinusitis, bursitis, abscesses, gallstones, knock knees or swollen gums until I am better.

It's not that I am not concerned about your problems, it's just that too many people are having them at the exact same time.

So I suppose I could whittle it down to one friend with several medium to large calamities like septic system failure or a severe mold problem in your basement.....
or a few friends with very minor problems say....an overdue parking ticket or a mosquito bite.....
Talk amongst yourselves
xoxo

The dragonfly and me

I will try to make this short...wish me luck. Several years ago I was riding shotgun with a friend in her car. She asked me a very odd question..."What do you think of dragonflies?" "When I am with you I think of dragonflies"

Oh gee...thanks so much..."I really don't like them" I replied...."They are ugly and have no sense of direction....they really don't have a reason to exist.

Silence....lots of silence...then she asked, "What does that remind you of?"
Well, you kinda had to be there for the conversation before this conversation..... I replied "Me....that is exactly how I feel about me."

After having had my first battle with breast cancer and the resulting surgery.... two 10lb babies.... focusing 99.9% of my days on raising an autistic daughter.... I felt ugly...I was in survival mode and I truly felt that anyone just this side of Charles Manson could raise my daughter better than I could.

Thus began a series of conversations with God about the dragonfly....questions arose such as, "Are you trying to tell me something?" "Prove it"....you know, simple stuff like that.

Next thing you know they were everywhere...I will list a few places....
1.everywhere I went outside my home
2.everywhere else

I have been amazed over the years how I have grown to love the dragonfly....it's an amazing, fabulously created, thought provoking little bug...that in it's beautiful dance has taught me so much.

Wait wait wait......

Now that I have had a bit of great news from the Dr. I have high hopes that I will be able to start doing a few things again....but for now I am still waiting.

If I am lucky....really lucky...I wont have to wait too long to start vacuuming my floors and area rugs, leaning over toilets with a toilet scrubber, digging wet clothes out of the washing machine and teaching my kids how to scrub the bathtub....I have to draw the line somewhere!

If I am super duper lucky I will able to vacuum my car.....and if I am super duper duper lucky...I might be able to finally roll over in bed without sitting up first, flipping over, and then laying back down. It wakes me up too much and then I have to get up and go....well you get the picture I am sure...
And finally the dream come true part of this would be to ride Holly again. I sure miss that...........for now all I can do is wait and dream of household chores.