Confusion

This is going to sound uh...ok stupid...but stay with me because I think it will make sense eventually. Sometimes bad news can be good news because, you see, with bad news, at least you have a direction. When you have direction you can take action and feel like you are doing something. If you don't have "answers", good or bad, you just hang there...not able to do anything...and oooo dogie that there is no good.

So I suppose you could say that I was lucky to get bad news low those years ago...(can you believe it has been "years"?) Lucky in the sense that we figured out what was causing all my pain and we could start on the road to healing.

So why am I confused you ask? Or maybe you're not asking...so I am just going to tell you. I am confused due to an experience I recently had that I am not prepared to talk about at this time. I am also confused because two of my dearest friends are going through some experiences that they are not prepared for me to talk about at this time.

So to sum it all up....I am confused for me and I am confused for them and with them, which makes me triply confused. And when you are confused I don't think you should panic...well, ok, yes you panic sometimes...and that's ok....but you don't make decisions while you are confused and panicking...unless of course you are dangling from a cliff after tripping on your shoelace during a fun family hike that you really didn't want to go on at first, and then the guilt you felt for wanting to stay home and take a nap and later get a pedicure began weighing on you so you ultimately decided to go and now look where you are.....hanging off a cliff...then you can have confusion, panic, AND make a decision at the same time.

I hate seeing my friends going through this pain and confusion business, I hate it hate it hate it...but you can't totally wish pain out of people's lives. Pain is what makes us better people. So what I am praying and wishing for them is that the pain and confusion don't last much longer...that answers and relief will come so that I can feel better : ) I mean....Just kidding girls...you know I love you.

Big scan update

Two days ago I voluntarily chose to have a BIG scan...a Pet CT they call it. It is the mother of scans as we know them. I volunteered to have it because I had reason to believe that the results were going to be mind boggling. But the Big scan showed little improvement. It's only result really was making me mad and a small loss of hope...which I am sure will pass...at some point..eventually...possibly...or come to think of it maybe not at all. At least that is how I feel today.
Well, if you will excuse me I have to pour myself some coffee and beat my head against a wall....softly...so it won't crack...it will probably be very unsatisfying.
Have a great day.

You can't take the mom out of cancer...

I was talking with a friend last night. I mentioned that I have been able to go up the stairs lately. This is a big deal for me. I haven't been able to do stairs...as in more than 2 or 3...in a very very long time.

I decided that with my new found ability I would venture up my stairs and see what the kids rooms looked like. OH THE HUMANITY!!!!
My kids are old enough now to manage their own rooms....I know that! But for the love of Peter this was awful and my mom-isms burst forth...."Where do you think you live? A barn?" "What, were you raised by wolves?"

I was reminded by my friend that it's time to pick my battles more carefully and their rooms should not be on that list. She's right. If they want to live like pigs in a stye then...well...then I guess they can...ohhh that is painful.

Then the thought came to me that my daughter will hopefully, at some point, be applying for a job this summer....oh dear God let it be so...
Here again, pick my battles. So the two battles I am picking for today is cancer and staying awake to watch 24 on DVR and Idol. That's tough enough I think.

Additional chapter to my book

I think I may have to add an additional chapter to my book...or maybe even an additional book with lots of chapters on Staying Married Through Cancer.
This is a dicey dynamic....it changes everything. Everyone's world is rocked...everyone has choices to make...that's the "everyone" that is a grown-up...and those choices affect everyone else.
But before I write anything on the subject I will have to figure out the how-to part. So far, I don't have any answers.
Thank you. That is all.

Doubt

I am really struggling with doubt right now. A few things have happened recently and I really should be thinking differently about them. It would be easier and make more sense to you if I could just blurt them out, but I can't....those "things" are currently in the witness protection program. Hopefully they will be released next week but one never knows.

Doubt is a strange thing. You can doubt yourself, you can doubt other people....you can even double doubt. For example..."I doubt this doubting is going to help me in the long run."

Doubt can be a lifesaver at times...."I doubt this very thin branch will hold me as I slide to it's thinest part to take this amazing shot looking down into the Grand Canyon." Which proves that you shouldn't always doubt doubt.

Well I am not sure if anything I have said here makes any sense....but if so....congratulations on your ability to decifer the indeciferable.

Skeletal Survey

Yesterday, I drove to Seattle to see my Dr. He is really the best Dr. there ever was. I wish I could allow you to have a different opinion but I am afraid I can't.
I made the appointment yesterday because I had something I wanted to talk about.
He had no idea why I was there. My regular appointment isn't for another 10 days. Anyway when he walked in the door he instantly began talking about my blood and exploding red blood cells and pins and black holes.....wait a minute....this was my appointment....I made it and I want first right of refusal on the subject matter. So in the middle of the blood talk I said, "So, the reason I made this apt is to talk to you about____________" "OH, ok". That was it. He is so cool...with a big smile he turned and looked at me and we talked about my stuff. Then I said something about wanting it done today, like I had control over everything, and he said OK again! He is awesome. Then he said he would call me and he did....well, I called him but he got right on the phone and answered all my questions. He is even making another appointment for me.
See, this is why you will ultimately have to side with me when I say he is the best Dr. ever.
Oh, and the skeletal survey that I had yesterday...shows the cancer in a dormant state right now. YIPEEEEEE!
Just saving the best for last!!!!!!!

D-day or G-day as the case may be

I hate to be harping on the "life goes on despite cancer and you have to go on with it instead of sitting propped up in bed with coffee in one hand and a good book in another like you want to" subject, but it's true. And speaking of butts...today Forest sees the Dr. for his "procedure".Shhhhhh, I don't want him to hear me even though he is about 40 minutes away and it's raining pretty hard.

Forest, I am so sorry yet not at all sorry about this. Life may not be as spicy for you but spicy is really overrated in my opinion. Just think of how relaxed you can be. You can inhale all the fresh spring air without being transformed into some lustful ogling drooling stallion that is guided by his every sniff of mare flesh regardless of her social standing and respectable morals.

I will be right there at your side...ick...while the Dr. snips...ick...and clips...ick...and other stuff...yuck. I may have to leave for a minute, but you won't know that because you will be asleep.

Real life goes on despite...well, you know

Decisions decisions decisions decisions...oh sorry...thinking out loud. Today and possibly tomorrow and maybe even the next two days are days of making decisions.
I would like to think that it was going to be easy but there is always some little issue, some nagging detail, some microscopic "what if" that throws the whole thing into chaos....making the easiest decision a life changing one...maybe I exaggerate a little.
There are many voices...mostly the ones in my head...sharing their opinions...but I think there are really only 3 I should listen to and then narrow it down to two and then one and then...well, then I will fill with doubt and start over. That's how I roll.

Book

I caught a cold somewhere and today is the worst of it so far. At first I thought that maybe something in Vacaville was blooming...some strange flower, weed, bush, tree...something.. and that is what was making my nose run and making me sneeze.
But alas, when I got home I found that my son was having the same symptoms and that we were just the fortunate recipients of a nice head cold. He however has the immune system of Vitamin C itself...if Vitamin C was a living breathing person...(oh my gosh I think I am hallucinating). I, on the other hand, have little to no immune system left and am having a much harder time. Think of a whale and then think of a piece of plankton...the whale is my son's immune system and the plankton is mine (oh it's official now...and I am not even taking any cold medicine)
I think I was telling you about the cold because that was my excuse for sitting on my rear all day and working on my book....it's about a guy who is the son of a potato farmer in Ireland, and he falls in love with the wealthy land owner's daughter...and then the landowner finds out and then there is a potato famine....oh, wait, that is the OTHER book I am writing. This book is the one about my experiences and lessons through stupid cancer. It's gonna be goooooood. You just wait....you'll laugh, you'll cry....
I am still working on that other book, and a HUGE paint by number, and a family cookbook,and I am crocheting a scarf....
Haaaaaaachoooooooooo! Ok that does it...I am taking my tissues with lotion back the the bedroom and lay down.

The plane has landed

Hi everyone! Long time no see : )
Well our plane landed safely on Saturday night...we found a ride home from the airport thanks to one of Andy's great friends.
It was a fabulous trip...one I will never regret taking...ever..I cant wait to tell you what happened...oh wait...yes I can.
Talk to you later.
xo

Saturday in Vacaville

Yes, I am in Vacaville...Vacaville, California.....it's a long story..we will get to that later..I promise...seriously...I will...
I am here with my brother...we have been here since last Thursday. It has been an experience I will never ever ever never never ever never ever forget.
Just one of the experiences I had yesterday..just one of the many experiences I have had, was meeting Christa Black. Yes, that is a picture of Christa Black. Look her up on you tube....search for Black Monday...
Christa and I are Now BFF's....ha...not really...however she is BFF caliber...she is funny..irreverent..wears the cutest boots..writes songs and gives them the best titles...all the things I look for in a best friend...ha..not really...ok..sorta..but most of all she is REAL and BEAUTIFUL...not just because she has legs that start somewhere in middle earth and keep going...or because she wears this cool shirt that zips up the back..or that her hair starts from the upper atmosphere and stops near her waist..(forgive my issues with being shorter and losing my hair as a result of the cancer). She is beautiful because she reflects amazing love. Oh and she can SING...wow she can sing...
We talked and high-fived and exchanged email address...well hers is her name with .com after it...duh..
Anywho, I dare you to not like her. More later...

Manners

Yesterday, or should I say last night, there was an incident....a rather large incident I am sorry to say....big enough for me to miss watching American idol. It had to do with using good manners....and common decency....and expectations....a dangerous combination as I have discovered. Such a reminder that real life still goes on despite the cancer.

Holy protein Batman!

I have been spending a lot more time with super mom lately. She rides along to most of my appointments with me, carrying my bag that has my little laptop in it and saving me a seat in the waiting room while I have my lab work done, watching over my purse and coat so I don't have to haul them with me, and driving the car from the parking space to the hospital entrance so I don't have to walk too far. Then she drives us to lunch somewhere or to the store if I need something, or to Dairy Queen if I need "something", or back to her house, or sometimes she drives just so I can make all my phone calls to everyone who wants an update.

Another thing super mom does is encourage me to eat protein all the time...she tells me that it is what our bodies need in order to heal. I, on the other hand, think lemon/ginger scones are more healing, but that is only because I love both lemon and ginger....and frosting.

But super mom is actually right this time. I know because I checked on the Internet...which never lies by the way. Here is what it said:

Protein: A large molecule composed of one or more chains of amino acids in a specific order determined by the base sequence of nucleotides in the DNA coding for the protein.
Proteins are required for the structure, function, and regulation of the body's cells, tissues, and organs. Each protein has unique functions. Proteins are essential components of muscles, skin, bones and the body as a whole.
Examples of proteins include whole classes of important molecules, among them enzymes, hormones, and antibodies.
Protein is one of the three types of nutrients used as energy sources by the body, the other two being carbohydrate and fat.

Now I realize that I can no more heal myself by eating protein then my kids can avoid having an argument for 5 solid minutes....but I digress...
What I do know though, is that I need to do my part...but here is the amazing spooky part of this story....the most important protein for healing is known as Laminin. I know this because it was on the Internet and the Internet, as I mentioned before, does not lie. Here is what it said:

Basically, laminin is a protein found in the “extracellular matrix”, the sheets of protein that form the substrate of all internal organs also called the “basement membrane…. Laminin is vital to making sure overall body structures hold together. Improper production of laminin can cause muscles to form improperly...In layman's terms, a laminin is like a foundation of a building, a chassis of a car.
In short, laminin is like the glue that holds us together.

It's Laminin that is the basis of our bodies being able to heal...and here is what Laminin looks like isolated under the microscope:







That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!!!!!!! Coincidence....I think not.

quick blog before the blog

I have been married to Mr Gadget for almost 21 years. During those years of bliss we have accumulated 1,948 electrical cords. Each cord only fits one thing. Ok that's a lie..extension cords don't count....make that 1,944 cords that only fit one gadget each. Most of these gadgets we don't even own anymore OR they no longer work OR they are dead because for some reason we can't find the cord that charges them.
I love things that make my life easier...I HATE CORDS...but cords are what bring the things that make my life easier to life.....I still HATE cords...always will.

Thank you for listening...I am now able to move on.