Sunrise Sunset

I saw this and thought it was such an amazing picture. It is a picture of both the moon above and the sun below. It was taken at the North Pole. Santa's a lucky guy to have a view like this.

What it really made me think of though, just one day can make such a difference.

You may wonder why you haven't heard from me much lately.
Welllllll, I have been dealing with some issues....I have thought a little about "this" and ALOT about "that". And again,despite all the pondering, I came to the conclusion that this is all out of my control.
Oh we may think we have it until something falls apart, or the ferries stop running, or your child is sick and the Dr's have done all they can, or that you are now 4 inches shorter and insist that you can still reach the dinner plates without using a stool. I really like my stool though. My grandpa needle pointed it for me. He was a surgeon. I really miss him.

All that to say that someone is in control but it ain't me. So I added a few vitamins to my day and decided to choose life....for 5 minutes at a time....and enjoy every minute of it.

New Year..time for those resolutions

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Happy 19th

Happy 3 days after Christmas and Happy Birthday to my 19yr old daughter...Wait! Did I just say 19?! Wow.
Dearest daughter of mine, I wish you wonderful things for this year to come. Life can be both exciting and scary at 19, but you are surrounded by those who love you and will help in any way they can.

That being said, please pick up all your stuff and put it in your room. Just kidding. You can do that later after you clean the kitchen. Still kidding. Today is your day so sleep to your heart's content. Be sure you wake up later for some cake.

Love,
Mom

Night before Christmas

It was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Sat the mom, son and daughter, but the house had no spouse.

The children had purchased and wrapped all their gifts,
but the mom said she wasn't quite done with her list.

She busily wrapped all the gifts she had bought,
There is still one gift left, so she thought and she thought,

"This gift I can't wrap up with paper and bow,
It's the sort of gift that just has to show."

"This gift is the love that was given to me,
Not something I earned, it was actually free."

Free Christmas gifts you don't have to buy,
Are actually to me the very best kind.

So without boxes or paper or tags,
I am sending to you, all the love that I have.

The love I am sending ,you can have for yourself,
turn around it's probably sitting right there on your shelf.

The stars in the sky look down where he lay,
The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay.

The mention of hay makes me long for my horse,
But I can't find a rhyme for that one of course.

So I will stop blogging and get out of here,
Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year.

The watched pot

I am wondering if I should just apologize up front for the lameness of this blog. I mean it's true and everything but certainly not my best work...or maybe it will be...so I will just forge ahead.

I think to myself, "I would like a cup of tea." So I grab the teapot and fill it with water, turn on the burner and set it on the stove. Then I sit and wait. Within a minute or two I'm thinking, "Good grief this is taking a long time." Next comes, "Maybe the stove isn't working right." "I bet that burner isn't hot enough." "Holy cow! This is taking entirely too long for me." "How long am I going to have to sit here and wait?"
Then the thought comes, "Who said you had to sit there?" "Well, I guess I did" my inside voice says. "Why?" "Well, I really wanted this, so I thought if I waited right there and focused on it, it would happen faster. I guess I am a little desperate for some tea."
Then the thought said, "It will happen but not any faster than it would if you weren't sitting there staring at it and getting all snarky about it.
Go and do something, and before you know it you'll hear the whistle and it will be tea time."

The End

When life looks like this

The desert. Not such a great place. Not much happens there. Often there is no reprieve from the "nothing".

REPRIEVE:
re·prieve   /rɪˈpriv/
[ri-preev]
verb, -prieved, -priev·ing, noun
any respite or temporary relief. (HS kids....please find a way to reprieve your mom today)

Life may never lead us into an actual desert, but there are often desert times in our lives. A series of nothings when we are waiting for answers....a long dry spell when we are just asking for a small drink....a promise made that seems like it is taking too long to arrive.
I know a few people in the dessert right now...Let's see, I'll just pick one of them at random...uhhh...Ok, got it! ME.

So what to do when you're in the desert. Well if I were Bear Grylls I would "P" on my bandanna and wrap it around my head. I don't think that will help me right now.

I suppose the best thing to do when you are in the desert is to keep walking. C'mon...what else is there to do? The oasis is out there....we just can't see it yet. And when you finally get there, you can make a sand candle to remember your trip.
Ok, so are you ready? Let's start with our right foot and step...step...step..
I think they call it faith...yup, that's what they call it...belief in what you can't see.....yet.

The Explosion

Meatloaf. It's delicious and easy to make and it is one item that both my kids like. "I think I will make meatloaf" I said to myself last night. Little did I know that within 40 minutes of that decision my oven would explode.

I learned a few things through this experience. I learned that if thoroughly cooked, meatloaf is still good after an internal oven explosion. I also learned that no one can usually come out right away to help you diagnose and repair said oven.
I learned that it is good to have someone in the room with you when the oven explodes to keep you from freaking out. And I learned that Split Pea and Ham soup from a dear friend can make the exploding oven a positive experience.
Here's to Victory. What was meant to bum me out only brought me goodness.

On a happier note.....

On a happier note, I am going to try and make those cupcakes you see below....just because I think they are cute....and it's not depressing, and my kids will like them, and I am going to be ok even if everything feels upside down.

Upside down Christmas

Christmas this year looks upside down. There doesn't seem to be the same level of excitement about much of anything. Nothing about Christmas this year will look the same other than the tree, and even that is difficult as we hang the ornaments that have so many stories behind them. There will only be 2 stockings and that will be weird.

Maybe I'll just wrap a bunch of empty boxes just for looks....ouch...maybe not..
Well, I am doing my best with cookies and as many smiles as I can give, and again I think of "It's a Wonderful Life" and how you really don't know what you got until it isn't there anymore. That is one awfully big empty box under my tree.

cookies

It seems that every year I am overwhelmed with the desire to bake a whole bunch of Christmas cookies. It never seems to happen though. I may get a batch or two made but then the time is gone and so are the cookies.
Today however, I am going to make Christmas cookies. They may not be perfect or completely homemade...but there will be cookies, lots of cookies, on a plate when my kids get home from school.

I am feeling a bit better today than I have been. I gotta grab on to these days and goooooooooooooooooo get as much done as I can. Dad-gum-it there is going to be some joy in my house whether anyone wants it or not! The kitchen will be clean and the clothes will be folded...I think....and there will be the smell of cookies in the air and everyone will like it. And I am just talking to myself now aren't I?!
Well then so be it. I am off to buy some eggs and things. And when they ask me if I want "paper or plastic" I am going to answer them with "I'll take Joy" at which time they may send someone to get me dish washing soap, but I won't care.

Wish list

Wow! I was just reviewing the Christmas list my kids gave me a few weeks ago. I haven't really given much thought to mine yet so I sat down with a pen and some paper a few minutes ago and began to think. The odd thing was that none of the things I thought of could be stuck into a box and wrapped.
This is already going to be a very different Christmas without "Dad" here to celebrate...and I wouldn't care a bit if I didn't get a single gift under the tree this year. This time around it is just going to be good celebrating what we already have.... this is a big change from last year but life has changed a great deal since then.
My wish list will be almost complete just waking up and being with my kids on Christmas day.

The kids on the other hand, really want me to make cookies....so I gotta go.

Back on the road

I am back on the road again today. This time I am off to see the Radiological Oncologist about treatment for my spine and two of my ribs.

There are a few issues at hand on this trip. First off, will I have time to stop and get a single tall nonfat gingerbread latte with half the flavor before I hit the road? Second, have these spots been radiated before? If they have, then it is my understanding that they can't be radiated a second time. Third, if they have not, then would it be best to use standard radiation as opposed to a more targeted version? If that is the case then another appointment is made at another hospital to see another Dr. who does that. Then the Dr. decides how long the treatment will be and off we go.

On the other hand, if these spots have been treated before it looks like Chemo is next on the list. Dr. Lee and I haven't had a chance to discuss this really...it seems like something else is always coming up.

So another day to be faced and a few more choices to make,
So many times I've sat and wondered how much longer this will take.
Again I will try to focus on the good along the way....and I won't have time to get my coffee if I don't get on with it.....(sorry I didn't have time to rhyme the last line.)

What's in a name?

Beauty lies in the true story. I like that. I believe that. The truth is beautiful.
I find that a lot of people don't like the truth. I know I don't like it when the Dr. tells me the cancer is progressing, or I have to start new unpleasant treatment or my less than great test results came in. It makes life harder....but it also makes life better. When we have truth we can begin to heal. It's real...it's what "is".

I want to live a life that is true. I want to always tell you a truthful story, no matter how many times I am tempted not to. The story has no value without truth.

Sorry I have dropped by again with less humor than normal...but....
"I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An Elephant's word 100%"-Horton the Elephant-

Extra Extra Thanks

I just wanted to add an extra special thanks to my parents...who normally wear a lot more clothes than this but are and have been amazing in coming to my aid night or day....rain or wind...busy or not...they are there.

Thank you mom and dad for your angelic level of being there for me.

The whirlwind

Where am I? What time is it? Is it Friday still? The last few days have been a total whirlwind...hence the picture above. I think it all started last Monday with some muscle spasms in my back. These were not your typical spasm these were the vicious variety....the kind that bite into your muscle and don't let go easily. I had a Dr.'s appointment scheduled that day and was hoping to find relief there.

On the contrary...the pain intensified to the point I was ready to walk out in the middle of my treatment. In addition it took over 3 nurses and 12 "pokes" to get an IV started for me.

Later that night the pain was so bad I woke a friend out of bed to request a ride to the Emergency Room. Those kinds of friends are truly more than friends...they are angles.

In the ER they took an x-ray of my spine and noticed a large compression fracture that was most likely the cause of this pain.
To quell the pain the Dr. prescribed a few things....First came the Ativan to relax the muscle...just a small-ish dose. Then there was the Dilaudid for pain...then a Valium injection and then to top it off, a small-ish dose of Percocet.

Holy COW!!!!!!! I don't remember much after that.

When that didn't help I contacted my favorite, most wonderful Dr. I think I've mentioned him...Dr. Lee. This phone call led to steroids and an MRI scan ASAP.
After the scan was the appointment with said Dr., a injection in my stomach, a CT scan and a chest x-ray...which lead to another appointment with another Dr. to discuss Vascular Spine things, and the realization that there are 3 areas of concern he felt needed radiation treatment....two ribs and a vertebrae. This lead to an appointment with the Radiological Oncologist on Tuesday.....which after the pie tipped over a little in the car brings me to right now.

So with the temporary help of some steroids and pain pills I will push in to next week and see where that takes me.

Maybe tomorrow I will talk about the whole breaking up and then making up with your favorite Dr. Have I mentioned how great he is?
I will also be discussing what the house looked like when I got home after 1 night away. Good thing I still have a few Ativan left.

Fracture

Let me just start out by saying that this is not an x-ray of my spine. It looks very painful I must say. However, I did find out two days ago that I do have a fracture in my spine. A compression fracture and it is not pleasant. It has been very very unpleasant actually.

Today I am going to have a MRI done of my spine. This may lead to other treatment.
I really wish I could come up with something "witty" to say...but for the most part I am just happy to be able to walk to my kitchen, make some coffee, sit at my computer and write to you. Really, I really am grateful for that.

Quit your spasm

Overtaken by back spasms today. The kind where you need medical intervention upon which I am waiting.

See you tomorrow.

Flares

When I came across this picture I noticed the arrow pointing to the earth. It was so tiny. And then I thought about me somewhere on that little dot. WOW! Perspective...then I thought about Cindy-Lou Who, which was pretty random, and then I thought about an ant, and finally I thought about how off-track I was getting with my subject.

In the last two weeks I have been experiencing "flares". Flares happen when you have metastatic breast cancer and you start taking hormone blocker medication. The reason you take this medicine is that most breast cancers feed on estrogen and the goal is to cut off their food supply.
Tamoxafin is an example of a hormone blocker. I am not taking tamoxafin, but I am taking Faslodex which is also a hormone blocker.
Faslodex is a bit different in that it is an injection that is given in your hip....actually both hips. "It is thick and there is a lot of it" said the nurse who was injecting me last time. I am so glad she shared that very disconcerting information with me while my pants were down.

Flares can be scary. They often cause a great deal of pain. That is what I have been experiencing in the last two weeks. Pains that makes you lie in bed in the dark of night and imagine the worst case scenario.
Then as soon as I finished compiling my list of songs I wanted played at my memorial service, the pain was gone. Then two days later it was back...hence the "flare" reference. It actually flares....repeatedly..in the places where there is active cancer.
The reason for the flare is the medicine initially acts AS an estrogen and the tumors gobble it up which really makes those cancer cells active. Then the medicine changes into an anti-estrogen and grabs the throat of the cancer cell and chokes it off....we hope...if it's doing it's job.

And now I am kinda glad that I ran across this picture this morning. Cancer looks really different now with this new perspective. A pretty powerful picture if you ask me.

Thankful

I believe that no matter what your circumstances are, there is always something to be thankful for. Find what you are thankful for today and remember those things the rest of the year.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Never say Never Revised

"Never say never" is often times a great thing to say. It can be a good reminder that there is always hope. But in this case I am talking about the "Never Never Land"
where I currently reside. And I call it that because I never never
thought I would be in this place. Alone is one aspect...alone with kids is another..alone with kids and battling cancer is a whole different land. But today the land became a bit stranger. This morning my daughter received school behavioral discipline. In all of her years this has never happened.

But the good news is I have decided to call Peter Pan moving company and move out of Never Never Land to Chicken Littleville. They say the sky is falling there, but it really isn't so there is much less to be concerned about...then I will move to Hansel and Gretel's place for the holidays and then with a click of my heals I will be home again.....this time home will be a better place...I hope...I think it will...baby Jesus will be there then and things are always good when He is there.

Spine

I have developed a sensitive area on my spine. It is near where they did surgery over two years ago. Although I can't see my back, I can feel a significant bump there.

It has been really hard for me not to think about this....day and night....night and day...

Looking forward to an answer from the Dr. this week.

It's a hard climb

So I am not yet sure how I am going to put this blog together so bare with me if possible.
It is and has been my goal to face my diagnosis, my circumstances, my life, with a good attitude. In the last 5 or so months, that has become more of a challenge as my treatment and my daily life, and my kids lives have changed a great deal.

Initially, the attitude hill was steep but I could usually "hoof it" to the top and come up with a smile. Lately it's less of a "hoof" and more of a carabiner, harness, ascender, crampons, belay kind of a climb. "Hoofing" no longer applies unless you would like to hoof someone in the head if they cause your day to be more difficult than it already is. But that is not right so forget I said that. They have no idea how much your life sucks right now! OK, forget I said that too. That was not good. That isn't going to help anyone.

See, it's still early yet and I am only about 2/3 of the way up my rock slab of life today. I'll get there.

So if you are struggling, go slip on your crampons. Crampons, I said crampons...and I will try to help pull you up.

Windy

It was really windy last night. If you live anywhere north, south, east, or west of Seattle then you know what I mean. Do you have a wind story from last night? And if you live south of Seattle, you may even have an earthquake story as well.

Here is my wind story.....I slept. Now wait a minute, it is so a story. It's a story because I am usually scared to death of wind. Wind has a mind of it's own...kinda. So as it was the first windstorm I had to go through "alone", I had to somehow make friends with the wind in order to relax.

So what is good about the wind...well, it dries things out if they need drying, it scatters all sorts of seeds to bloom in the spring...it proliferates
forests.

pro·lif·er·ate   /prəˈlɪfəˌreɪt/
[pruh-lif-uh-reyt]

–verb (used without object), verb (used with object), -at·ed, -at·ing.
1. to grow or produce by multiplication of parts, as in budding or cell division, or by procreation.
2. to increase in number or spread rapidly and often excessively.

Homeschoolers, please use proliferate in a sentence. then you can go ask your mom what procreation means.

The other reason wind is good, is that it's a good reminder that we really don't have any control...that what happens on a day to day basis is not really up to us...if you really think about it...could you have stopped the wind last night? If you just answered "yes" to that question, please contact your local meteorologist so they can pass this information on to the world at large in order to stop tornadoes and hurricanes and the like...your knowledge would be greatly appreciated I am sure.
If not, like for me, it is a good reminder that our lives are not under our control.

Ok, never mind what I just said...I probably just slept because I hadn't slept well for the past few nights and I was exhauseted. Even still it would be a good idea to make friends with the one who tells the wind when and where to blow.

Sleepless

When you take the estrogen out of a woman's body there are many side effects. One of those is the inability to sleep.
I have been struggling with sleep for the past 5 months. I could break it all down for you and list each reason, or I could just say I haven't slept well due to my life. There that about covers it.

A new reason popped into my life last Friday night. I am taking a new medicine and during the initial course they must double the dose for the first few treatments so as to fool your liver. Friday afternoon I received my second round of the medication. The plan seemed to be on course until I feel asleep Friday night.

I had only been asleep a few minutes when I woke to horrible pain in my right leg. Every muscle from hip to foot was seized. Nothing, and I repeat nothing short of amputation appeared to help. It was at this moment that I fully regreted purchasing the ticking clock in my bedroom. Although it fits in well with the design of the room, it only served to remind me of every second I was in pain and unable to sleep.

There are many many many other reasons sleep escapes me...sadness creeps in at night, sadness for the kids and what they face each day. Weariness for me as I try to fight the cancer and it's effects, be both mom and as much of a dad as I can, especially for my son who lost his buddy. Be some sort of balance to Emily who's world shifted and therefore her attitude and vocabulary shifted.

All that to say "I NEED TO SLEEP". So if you will excuse me, I am going to take off my wig, slip my sleep cap back on, warm up the microwaveable heart I bought at Hallmark last Valentine's day (which by the way is very cute and functional), and try to find another hour of sleep.

Good day everyone.

You have to be nuts...

WARNING
THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN IN A FACILITY THAT ALSO CONTAINS PEANUTS AND OTHER TREE NUTS AND NUTS THAT ARE NOT REALLY NUTS BUT PEOPLE THAT ACT LIKE NUTS.
CONSUMERS: PLEASE READ THIS STATEMENT CAREFULLY.

Yesterday I had an appointment with a Nutritionist, which is a part of the new Dr's treatment plan. I have never had an appointment with a Nutritionist before so I had no idea what to expect.
While making my appointment with her, she explained that her office was located inside the hospital. As you may assume this caused my confidence in her to skyrocket.

After locating her office she invited me in. The office was dark but for one light hanging over the table...it felt a little like my eating habits were about to be interrogated.......and they were. While she shot question after question I began to wonder if I should confess to eating those two small dark chocolate Bliss squares before I left the house? Oooooohhhhh the guilt!

Upon questioning me she came to the conclusion that I was and am PROTEIN DEFICIENT.
With diagnosis in hand she began to explain to me that I am in need of 60grams of protein a day....how ever I can get it.

The next few minutes were filled with food and numbers. I knew I was never going to remember all of this when suddenly she pulled out a piece of paper that had everything written down, tailored to my need for protein.

Step 1: For breakfast...1 latte- 14 grams
1 piece of toast w/ 2T peanut butter- 7grams
I realized that with 2 TABLESPOONS of peanut butter on one slice of toast I was going to need the latte close at hand so as not to choke to death while trying not to succumb to protein deficiency.

I am trying to look forward to my new life of cottage cheese and Greek yogurt but if protein is going to help my body repair itself, then cottage cheese it is!

P.S. I know what you're thinking but all those Reeses peanut butter cups you just ate after Halloween don't count!

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMoustache

This morning was one of those mornings you want to somehow keep frozen in time. One of those moments you want to remember forever, one that changes the rest of time and eternity. Today my son shaved his moustache. Yes, I said his moustache.
He has been growing this dark line of facial hair for the past few months and today he came to me and asked to shave it for the first time! So off we went to the bathroom mirror and he took care of it like a pro...like he was a moustache specialist.....then he ran his finger over the top of his lip and said, "that feels so weird."
This is a day that a mom starts thinking about when her 5 year old son puts shaving cream on his face for the first time and then scrapes it off with a popsicle stick. He wants to be a man....and wow my son is really becoming a man...faster than he wants I am sure...but he is handling it with amazing strength.

So "Moustache Joe" here's to you and your future...and everytime you shave may you remember what an amazing young man you are!

Eeyore

"It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily.
"So it is."
"And freezing."
"Is it?"
"Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately."

Ohhhhhh I love Eeyore. He is real, he is honest, and he is a survivor. And he is right.....sometimes you find yourself in a position where the only thing you feel thankful for is that you haven't had a earthquake lately. It's true, there really are days like that.

So why do we have days like that? Why are there times when it seems like we are wearing a target on our back...and our front for that matter...and all things physical and emotional and financial and spiritual seem like they are just shooting at us? I think, and granted I have had a lot of radiation to my head, but I think we are allowed these "times" to learn life is not ours to control, and also to be grateful for what we have....for hot water for a shower and gas for the car and for the car for pity sake... and covers on our bed and food in the fridge...for neighbors who help, for health if we have it.

So I think Eeyore ROCKS! I think on the non-earthquake days we can at least think "I am so glad we haven't had an earthquake today"...maybe that will lead to bigger things and that may eventually lead you to Target to buy something fun instead of being the target...at least for one day... I'll try it if you will.

Change the atmosphere

In this cancer experience I am doing things I have never done before. Lots of those things are rather unpleasant. It seemed that after an unpleasant experience, I had an unpleasant attitude...and I felt crummy the rest of the day. Now, in my defense, if after 12 tries the nurse can't get an IV started,it would be natural for me to feel crummy...crummy to the point of crabby...which everyone knows leads to grumpy at the very least....then grumpy to teary and teary to the shower and the shower to pajamas and so on.

I don't like that. I don't like crummy or crabby or grumpy...I do like pajamas but who doesn't? So I have implemented a new plan....well it's not all that new....it's new-ish.... it's called being really really nice.
I find that when you walk in a room, and you start with the whole really really nice thing...the atmosphere in the room begins to change....things become less crummy and by the time it is over, crummy has turned to tolerable and maybe even doable or even semi-pleasant.
So next time you are facing an undesirable task be nice to everyone around you and you may be surprised by the outcome.
( disclaimer )This includes being nice to even those who are not nice to you.

It is a Wonderful Life

It's that time....do you feel it? I started Christmas shopping yesterday. The weather is officially changing, the clocks change tomorrow and our life seems to change with each day.

My son is all about family traditions during the holidays. That makes it tough on my "mommy" heart. We are making a few changes that seem like they will help. Joe has asked to take responsibility for the Christmas Tree so I have turned all things "tree" over to him. My daughter isn't quite as vocal about the traditions but she did make out her Christmas list...it just said "Pit bull"....hmmmm

As for me, I have been thinking about the movie "It's a Wonderful Life." It speaks to me this year more than ever before.

Laurie's movie review blog: This movie is about someone who is unhappy about the trials in his life. He is given the opportunity to see it from another perspective and he comes to realize that it was those very trials that made his life what it was.... a "Wonderful Life".

I see that happening all around me....I see that happening with me. Life doesn't always turn out the way we plan it....but in the trials our perspective changes. We begin to see what is really important in life...what makes our life a "Wonderful Life" despite our circumstances.

My heart and my perspective have changed a great deal. I am like George Bailey. I know now what I wish I had known all along..... It really is a "Wonderful Life".

Piles of leaves

I love the leaves this time of year. Our backyard is full of Alder trees and Maple trees. The leaves are beautiful.
I love the change of seasons, and because of that thought my mind went immediately to how life has seasons too.

If I were to describe my season, it would be some time in February....dark and blustery. You wonder if the rain will ever end. Then I thought a little more about it and realized that February prepares everything for March, April and May....when the sun comes out and the flowers grow and bloom.

So I guess that is how I will think as the days now get dark and stormy....we will talk about the weeds later so as not to ruin the mood.

Writers Block

Sorry............writer's block today.....among other things.

Thinking

WOW! Today's blog could go lots of directions....What do you think?... What do I think about it?... What were you thinking?!... What was I thinking?!... What made you think that?... What did you think was going to happen?

I'll tell you what I think...I think there is a lot to think about. Right now there are even things I don't want to think about. Not thinking about something is not always a good thing....It usually ends up with someone saying," You know, you really should have thought that through a little more."

Often times we think we are doing the right thing which is then followed by,"What in the world was I thinking?"

So now what do we do? I think.....we pray.

Bring on the rain

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The unexpected

Yesterday was full of the unexpected. First off the weather was actually good....at least where I come from...I also got something in the mail from my sister-in-law but I don't know what it is yet because I have to pick it up at the post office.
Then I got a CD in the mail from someone I have never met. It was his first album. Thank you Joe, that was so thoughtful, I look forward to listening and thank you Claire for coming to the event. Wow, that was a very fun and interesting night and I am so grateful to everyone.

Next on the list was my Dr's appointment. The scan results were unexpected, my blood test results were unexpected, I was given two shots and an IV that were also unexpected...and I learned that I will be having surgery soon....very unexpected.

Lots of the unexpected in the last year of life. Some very wonderful and some very hard and very sad.

I am learning more and more that today is the only day I need to deal with. I don't need to deal with tomorrow because tomorrow may very well be full of the unexpected.

Today I am deciding to tell my kids I love them....a lot...or at least a lot more than normal. Then I am going to eat some Halloween candy....carve that gosh darn punkin and hopefully sit and watch a movie. It's been too long.

Today

I opened my front door this morning to let the cat out. It was still very dark and it seemed colder than yesterday. I stood there for a few seconds and became aware of the total silence. There was no breeze, not a single sound. It felt oddly restful. I slipped on my son's coat that was nearby and stood there a bit longer. I thought about what life looks like now. I thought about my son who was still in his room asleep and how in just a few minutes his alarm would go off and he would wake again to his new reality. I thought about my daughter who is struggling with a condition that causes her great anxiety while she is facing huge life changes.
I thought about my appointment today with the Dr...wondering what the new treatment is going to look like, how it will affect my ability to be what I am being asked to be right now as a mom and a "dad" and a problem solver and a counselor and a form of glue to what used to be their world.

I took one last look outside and thought about the number of years I have seen those same trees and houses yet life looks so very different now. Before I closed the door I prayed for my son...for my daughter...and for an extra bit of strength.

The headache of 2010

Through this experience I am trying my best to learn new things. The learning spectrum during difficult times is huge if you are willing to look. I decided long ago that I didn't want this time to be wasted so I am looking.
Yesterday and a teeny weeny bit of today, I have gained a new found empathy for those who deal with headaches.
I'm not talking about tiny little headaches that are gone within 2 minutes of taking something....I am talking about a real honest to goodness headache that starts in the back of your head and travels up and over to the front of your head. The kind that the pills you swallow take the first available left turn to your kidneys so they can avoid any interaction with your head whatsoever.

I confess to having that very headache yesterday...I confess to thoughts of cutting off my head on several occasions...I confess to thinking of words to scream out while covering my face with a pillow but never said as my son was home and mommy is doing her best to set a good example. I already have one child that has gone rogue with her vocabulary. That's enough.

Ok so here is a funny thought....how about naming our headaches like we do storms. For example Headache Hilda, assuming of course there is someone named Hilda that may very well be the primary source of your headache....ok....maybe that's not a good idea.
(Quick change to me standing at podium in keeping with the current political season)

"So as I stand before you today ay ay ay ay (echo sounds)I say to all my fellow human beings ings ings ings...that we CAN learn from the circumstances that we are in, we just need to take the time to look and listen...(sound of loud and rising applause) Now let us go and be our better selves today and I will be right behind you after I swallow these two Aleve tablets, and we shall be victorious!"
My name is Laurie and I approved this message.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

There is only one solution to having no control over anything in your life...including the headache that has decided to reside over your right eyebrow and occasionally travel down the side of your head despite the two Aleve you took with your coffee.

That solution is to bake cookies. Not just any cookie mind you....but Oatmeal Scotchies. Holy best cookies ever after molasses, shortbread and lemon bars Batman!
Is not everyone on the planet happier whilst eating an oatmeal scotchie? I would say the answer to that is an unmistakable YES!.

Thank you Quaker Oats and Nestle for merging together with some butter and eggs to form this delicious solution to life's daily struggles.

Fatigue

This is what today looks like. Wait, I take that back. This is what getting out of bed looks like today. Enough said. But look at me all sitting at the computer and talking with you. I DID IT! I GOT OUT OF BED! It's nothing but a small miracle. I am now going to celebrate by taking another vitamin C and attempting to put on my wig and say hello to the world outside. I think I feel my blood beginning to sludge through my veins. It appears I may even have it in me to make some coffee. Oh the possibilities.....

One of those kind of days

You must forgive me today if I am a bit cranky. The fatigue from the radiation just doesn't seem to be getting better. Then there are all the other things.
I think all the light bulbs in my house got together in the middle of the night and decided that it would be funny if they all went out at the same time. Not funny light bulbs, not funny at all!
I also believe that all the hair on my dog got together and said "Ok, everyone pair off in groups of 100 and at the count of 3 we will all jump off."
THEN...while cleaning the bathtub, my leg needed to go one way but evidently my foot wasn't paying attention and my knee is now offically mad at both of them.
And today I am scheduled for another CT Scan even though I just had a Pet Ct scan 30 days ago. I guess you could call that doing the "scan scan"...oh that was bad, sorry.
No, today's scan is for next week's biopsy. And next week's biopsy is for next month's treatment. I like to see it as my little train to health. Oh, who am I kidding?! It's the big train to health...it just looks little from here, but when you get closer it is really pretty big. Holy mackerel I am tired.

So I am off to drink my second cup of healing (see coffee blog)Chuga chuga choo choo.

What was I thinking?!

Before my cancer diagnosis I felt I had a pretty normal perspective on things.
But things have changed...my perspective has changed...what I value now is so much different than before.

VALUE: To regard or esteem highly.
Life is more valuable to me, the people in my life are more valuable to me, relationships are more valuable than ever before.

Now is when I randomly make the dramatic shift to an example of value.....

When I look at the people in my life now, they shine and sparkle and I want to spend time with them and I set aside other things just to talk or have coffee or anything. I want to know them more and listen more and pay more attention to their lives. I try not to let life be an excuse for having no time to do these things. I try to say thank you more and I love you more. Wow, now look what you've done you darn friends, I need a tissue.

If I had 3 wishes today, one would deffinatley be that I could have arrived at this place sooner...I think it just takes hard times in our lives before we learn what we truly value and to take action in that direction.

I wish there was someone here to hug cuz' I gotta hug someone. My dog has fleas so he is not an option right now. Hopefully the mail man will show up soon.

Yadda yadda yadda goodnight

Have you ever been so tired that even making a cup of coffee seemed like a
gargantuan effort? I am just going to get the homeschoolers word for the day over with in the first sentence. I hope that is ok with everyone.
Here are some other words that describe tired.....weary, knackered, pooped, bushed, drained, sapped...I think I might need to eat a banana or something.

So with that as the foundation of this conversation let me talk a bit about yesterday. Yesterday I took a shower...you are welcome....and while I was in the shower...no! no! wait! don't leave...while in the shower I prayed. Albeit too much information, I do a lot of praying in the shower. So much so that a friend suggested that I offer a "shower prayer list " sign up page. All in favor? I didn't think so.
So that prayer included my appointment with a new Dr. yesterday. I was bound and determined NOT to like him. But yadda yadda yadda I have two scans and a follow up appointment next week. Ok, I understand that only devoted Seinfeld viewers are going to burst into a resounding chuckle at that last line. So for everyone else I will explain.

This new Dr. seemed to want to take me down a new path to healing. Doesn't that sound wonderful. Well, yes I suppose. But this new path is not without needles and other unpleasant things like brain MRI's and biopsies and ct scans. But I think I really kinda like him and his newfangled ideas.

So all that being said I will be off to the grocery store and back to my bed for a nap in record time. I may even leave the grocery store part out to achieve the nap part much faster. Yah, that is what I am going to do.

Three pronged day

Today is best described as a "three pronged day".
Prong #1 is my son the photographer, of whom I am so proud to the point of bursting out in song, is having one of his photos, that was taken during the AHS Homecoming game, published in our local paper. If you happen to live around these parts, you better go get your copy fast as I will be buying whatever copies are left right after I start a load of laundry and finish loading the dishwasher....and pick up the empty pop cans in the family room and taking them to the recycle can in the garage. So in other words...pretty soon.

Prong #2 is an interview with a new oncologist later today.
I must say that no one can compare to Dr. Lee in my eyes and in my heart....but due to the lack of spousal support, it appears that I must move my treatment closer to home. Grrrrr. That is all I have to say about that...well, no it's not but it is all I will say about that. So, updates on Dr. changes will be forthcoming.

Prong #3 is the choosing and carving of my Halloween pumpkin :) This will help me finish my day with a smile....I hope....tonight I will not be a cancer patient, but a pumpkin carving mom!

Forest "jumped"

Awwwwwwwwwwww, isn't he the cutest thing? This was my baby (now he is Ruth's baby)Forest Jump. I love Forest and I LOVE Ruth! Forest turned 1yr old this past June. He is a beautiful, sweet and friendly boy. Ruth is beautiful, sweet and friendly too, but she didn't try to jump the fence a few weeks ago. Ruth knew better....Forest did not.
I guess Forest just wanted to be happy and something on the other side of the fence looked like happiness to him. It could be that Forest didn't give much thought to the fence. That maybe the fence might be there for a reason....that possibly the fence was there FOR his happiness, not to prevent it.

So Forest jumped the fence and got a super big owie. Today I am going to go see Forest and hug him and love him and kiss him and then have a little discussion about the fence. Then I am going to hug Ruth and thank her profusley (homeschoolers this is your word for the day) for everything she has done and is doing for Forest and for me and for having a fence in the first place.

Oh what a night

WOW! What an amazing night. I am still gathering pictures and my thoughts to describe last Friday at "The Muse" in Conway, WA. What a great night it was and I am so thankful to everyone who was there and did so much for me. I can't say thank you enough times to actually express the level of gratitude I feel.

Coffee.....the juice of life

Today I learned that people in the U.S. receive most of their antioxidants from coffee. Scientists are saying that a serving of coffee contains more antioxidants than a typical serving of blueberries, grape juice, raspberries, or oranges. A cup of coffee contains up to four times as much antioxidant activity as a cup of green tea. Can I hear an AMEN..cuz' green tea tastes like the grass in my front yard...not that I have ever eaten the grass in my front yard.

Antioxidants protect people from free radicals produced in the body and in the environment and our diets.
Scientists are finding that drinking coffee makes it possible to postpone or prevent many degenerative diseases including cancer, heart disease cataracts, and diseases of the nervous system.
Chlorogenic acid is the main poly phenol in coffee, but there are others too. A Japanese study of 61,000 people found that coffee drinkers are less likely to develop liver cancer than those who don't drink it. To that I say bottoms up!
Caffeic acid, which I have never heard of, is another poly phenol found in coffee that has been shown to protect cells from oxidation. Caffeic acid works together with the cholorogenic acid to protect cerebral neurons, promote cell differentiation, and normalize colon function. Can I hear another AMEN!
The combination has been found effective at stopping cell proliferation and causing cell death in breast cancer cells...AMEN and HALLELUJAH.

This blog was written in all my own words...no it wasn't...I just wanted to appear smarter today because my brain is offically fried from these last 10 treatments...and all the carbon monoxide from the miles and miles of driving....ok that's not true either..or maybe it could be...I have no idea. But in my defense I have traveled 1,400 miles these past two weeks.

So Viva Cafe' as they say...and fill your day with caffeic acid and may you be better for it. As for me....it's a Punkin' spiced latte day!

The Team

The very first time I met my radiation team was in my hospital room the day after surgery. They were moving me from my bed to a backboard and to another bed. This bed transported me to another part of the hospital where they began taking x-rays and marking spots for my upcoming 5 weeks of treatment.

I spent most of that day feeling like I was watching myself in a Hallmark movie...that it couldn't be real...but I couldn't find the remote to change the channel.

On that same day I bonded a little with these people. They were very focused and spoke mostly in numbers but despite their mission they smiled at me a lot. There were several of them revolving around me in constant motion, but no matter what they were focused on, they made sure to provide me with a reassuring touch. As I stared at the ceiling I could feel someone pat my arm or squeeze my hand or brush my forehead.

As I moved through treatment we began having fun together....yes, I just said fun...
There was Mike and his quirky music...Jude and his sense of humor..Jean and her brilliant ability to take the fear out of everything and make you wish you could stay a bit longer. And there was Kathy who always was the first to greet you by name and the other Jean who smiled and cared about every detail and even sat with mom to help with the puzzle.

These amazing people became the "team". I had many rounds of radiation with the "team". Then one day I came to see Dr Lee and the "team" was gone.

Due to a bunch of contracts and decisions that I know nothing about, the "team" was moving to a different location and began to split up. That has made this round of radiation more of a struggle. Oh both Jeans are there and that soothes my troubled heart, but the "team" is no more and I feel vulnerable. I am back in the Hallmark movie where everything is strange again. I take that back. It is more like a dream because J.P. is there now too, and in what world does cancer, friends, strangers, treatment and J.P. Patches exist together. Ya, it's a dream.

Hittin' the road again

I hit the road again for another week of treatment. I am not whining mind you. I know there are some who would gladly make the drive everyday if they could only find a job. So no whining here.
How about complaining? Is complaining allowed? Ok, I guess not....even if it was allowed I would really have no reason to complain. I will be spending the morning and/or afternoon with a good friend and who can complain about that? Not me.

So, as there is no further information other than I am on the road again, I will go and have my 2nd cup of coffee and be thankful even if we do have to drive 3+ hours for a 5 minute treatment. Dang! I'm sorry, it just slipped out.

Hello Patches Pals

As a little girl I loved watching JP Patches on TV. He had an ICU2 tv set and every day he would mention names of kids who were watching. He never called my name but I still waited every day to hear it. I loved his silly jokes, and alter egos. JP's name was Julius Pierpont Patches...along with JP was Boris S. Wort, The Swami of Pastrami, LeRoy Frump, Superclown, PJ Scratches and more.

The show ran from 1958 to 1981. This was my entire childhood.
As I sat and laughed with JP I never thought that in the future I would be sitting and laughing with him as we both waited for radiation treatment.
That is the experience I had yesterday and will have in the upcoming week.
It may sound silly but I loved sitting with JP, both of us in our attractive treatment attire...discussing life and laughing. The best thing about yesterday was that I was a Patches Pal and not a cancer patient. Thank you JP.

The shin bone's connected to the ......

So yesterday I learned something new. I learned that your shin bone is also called your TIBIA. I knew I had a tibia but I wasn't sure where exactly it was located. Now I am sure and I am taking my tibia bone every day to radiation treatment.

But wait... there's more I also learned that my tibia will be at it's weakest point after the radiation is done. Huh? So I asked my Dr. that same question..."huh?"

You see, the cancer does not grow on the outside of the bone like a barnacle. It grows in the porous section of the bone....the little teeny tiny holes in your bones. As it expands and grows the bones begin to break....it ain't pretty.

So to prevent your bone from breaking...which would seriously hurt and which outcome I am doing my best to avoid, the cancer must die by radiation. All of a sudden I feel like Jack Bauer with a big gun that shoots radiation!

But wait there's more...You would think that killing the cancer cells in your tibia is a good thing...and you would be right....buuuuttttt..it is at that time that the tibia is most likely to break. Huh?
So I asked my Dr. that same question..."huh?"

When the cancer dies, the area where the cancer cells were becomes hollow until the bone can regenerate new bone. It works the same as if you had actually broken the bone. The process of regeneration takes about 6-8 weeks. And the word on the street is that the bone becomes stronger by virtue of the breaking.
Now that, in my opinion, is a metaphor for life.

Thank you all

I just want to say thank you to everyone of you. Some of you I have met, some I have known for years and years and years and years, some are family, some are friends of family, and some just ended up here somehow. I am grateful for you no matter what category you fall in.

Today, due to my current situation, I want to give a Super Friends shout out to the two girls that are putting in the miles for me this week. Thanks beyond measure goes to you both.

And thank you as well to my new friends that are coming here, in exactly 32 minutes to drive me to Seattle again for radiation and Dr. Radiation, otherwise known as Dr. Landis.

And the fun never stops....well, actually it does...pretty much every day...but I just keep reminding myself that the fun never stops.....it's complicated....we will talk about it later. : )

A BLITTS update

The situation, as it stands now, it still a bit fluid. WOW! I just thought about what that sentence looks like to a person with Asperger's.
First off, situations don't stand...and fluid is liquid. So to rephrase...The circumstances I am in now, are still changing. I was informed yesterday that my radiation treatment will continue for another week.
So all of the things I took off the calendar for this week and moved to next week, now have to be taken off the calendar for next week and moved to the following week...if that is even possible.

I still don't really know what chemotherapy medicine I will be taking. There are many many choices, all poisonous, all with side effects, some with horrible side effects, some with very few,some that are taken weekly and some every 3 weeks.

I know some of you have been through this before. And if you have, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear from you.

The chemo also requires a "port" which is a little dealybop they sick in your chest to administer the poison.

I have no idea yet how long I will be taking this medicine. I have heard it could be up to a year. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

So.........onward and upward as they say. I don't think they are necessarily happy when they say it, but they still say it because it is the right thing to do.

Here we go again

My new round of radiation treatment starts today. Yippee (she said through gritted teeth). Supposedly, I will be through this round by Friday. Next step will be Cyber Knife...possibly...then chemo. Yahoo (jaw still clenched).

Well, I gotta go now....my happy place is calling.