What next?

Starting this coming Monday, I begin radiation treatment again. They will be treating two different spots on my left side. The concern this time is broken bones.

There are two other spots, (I like to call them spots because it makes me think of polka-dots...which are happy and friendly little things..like confetti, or candy...am I right?)

Anyway, these two other spots are in areas that have been radiated before...and because of that one tiny little fact, they can't radiate them right now.

Those two spots (I am going to call them Pink and Purple) can only be radiated by the big Gamma Knife machine.

So in my mind I am picturing a delicious cake with pink and purple dots made of fondant (see previous blog on making fondant)and a big knife cutting a perfect piece which I promptly place in a garbage can because who in their right mind wants a cake made of cancer cells.

I have never been Gamma Knifed before so rest assured my friends, there will be more on that in the weeks to come.

The next new experience will be IV chemotherapy. I have been on oral chemo for the better part of the past year.... That was a weird sentence.... The BETTER part of last year? Which part was that? That is going to require more thought.

I don't know for sure what my treatment will look like...but next Tuesday my Dr. will unlock the secret chemo plan to me...and I will shout it from the mountain tops as I will already be up there shouting about my upside down life. Then I will feel much better having released all that stress.

So stay tuned,same time, same channel, for more of this adventure.

Thank you again

I just want to say thank you again for what everyone did for me yesterday.
I am so grateful.

Happy Birthday

What a day! Amazing day! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

What's missing?

In our family there has always been a mom and a dad and two kids.
Right now there is only a mom and two kids. Oh there is still a dad, but he is making other choices right now....hence the upside down house in the previous blog.

It has been challenging here in the "two kids and no dad" jungle, but I sure have a new appreciation for single moms. Single moms...YOU ROCK! This is a hard job and for me it just got a little, or let's say A Lot harder.

With my new treatment schedule the next few months appear as if I will be learning a whole new level of letting go. Wasn't I already at the "letting go" bottom? I thought for sure I had nothing left to let go of. But I guess I do. Dang!

So here we go again with the "this mom and two kids are forging ahead" theme. I think we need a theme song. Looks like it might be this way for a while.
Any suggestions?

Upside down

Forgive me if say that I can't blog today. There is just "too much" and God and I need to have a conversation about how I am going to handle it.

Scan News

The news from my latest scan was not the news we hoped for. I will be starting more radiation soon. The Dr. has chosen to take me off the oral chemo as he believes it has stopped working. When I am through with the radiation I will begin a new form of chemotherapy. God willing, the cancer will be defenseless against it.

Our Storybook

This summer has been a tough one. For each one of the kids and me there is an individual story of experiences and feelings.
In my version I am Laurie but I am also MOM..Dean of Disorder, Director of Discord, Superintendent of Pandemonium with a Masters in Zookeeping.( Sistah Moms say AMEN!)

At the moment of conception,when that first cell splits, so does your life.
So in the midst of dealing with my own circumstances, I also deal with my children's circumstances in high school drama, cancer, dad leaving and huge changes.

My son, for the most part, is quiet...his story is deep,confusing and compelling.
My daughter lives her story out loud...her story is anxious,fearful,and full of changes.
In the overall story, my son is the Turtle and my daughter is the Rabbit...I am supposed to be the Wise old Owl I guess, and let me just add, in case you hadn't heard, "old" is the new 30.

I wish I could say that it was all working well despite our current circumstances.
That the Turtle and Rabbit walk together in harmony through the Fretful Forest and find the Owl resting on her branch, next to the knotholl she had just redone by refreshing her bedding and tossing out a few of the older branch furniture.
Upon arrival they would ask the Owl for advice and the Owl would respond with.."Whooooo are you? Ha ha ha ha...not really. She would respond with advice containing the knowledge she had received while earning her Masters in Mommyism.
And when that didn't work...The owl flew off her branch and found a quiet place in the forest to cry and pray her owl brains out. Then she had her talons polished with bright red sparkly polish while she was out because that made more sense then going back home and then out again just for that.

When she arrived back at the branch, she told the Turtle and the Rabbit that although life was difficult now, it won't always be that way...life is about change and that regardless of where we are, we are there for our benefit..that God was slathering on the waxy goo in order to polish us...oh wait, that's the old woman in the shoe.....still you get the picture.

Then the owl kissed the turtle and the rabbit and told them to be in bed by 11.
The end....well, not really.

Where am I?

I never imagined that I would ever be in the situation I am in. I have no idea what life is going to look like on a minute to minute basis. There are days when I feel very very lost. I guess I always thought that being lost was a bad thing. And I think in many cases it would be. Like say you get on a plane and for some reason the plane tears apart in mid-air. Only 48 of the passengers survive and you are stuck on this deserted island..and maybe there is this weird smoke monstery thing and polar bears...and you try to find your way back home but it doesn't work. THAT is not the good kind of lost.

I am talking more about directionally lost. Like you find yourself in very unfamiliar circumstances, and you are not sure what to do now. Here again, what may appear to be a bad situation can become a good situation in an odd sort of way.....no...I did not take too much pain medication. Being lost puts us in a situation where we have to ask for direction. Where we realize that we don't have the answers. I don't know much more than this, but I am asking.

Sparkley Joy

Every once in a while, someone new will let me know that they read my blog every day. It is hard for me to imagine it, but when they tell me, I feel sparkley joy inside. I love sparkley joy. So today's sparkley joy has been brought to you by Jillian. I am blessed to call her family and a friend. Are you embarassed yet J ?

Thank you everyone for the joy you impart to me.

You learn something new every day

It has been a bit of a strange day so far. When I woke up this morning, the day was scheduled to the brim and now all of a sudden it's changed. That doesn't happen too often. Did I forget my deodorant or something? Maybe I shouldn't get my scented dryer sheets from the Dollar store anymore. Seriously, what did I do?

Anyway, as long as I have nothing on the schedule, I decided to look up "how to make fondant" on You Tube. This year's birthday is going to be a bit different than the last 20 or so. So I decided that I was going to do something I have never done before.

Now when most people say that, it is usually followed by some sort of major announcement that they are going to bungee jump off the San Francisco Bay bridge, or leap out of a plane at 57,000 feet....or they are going to go on an African Safari.
Well not me. I am going to make FONDANT!! Actually, I tried to talk a friend into a karaoke bar, but after prayer and supplication, she has chosen to save me from myself and refuse to go. It's probably better that I don't, really, if you think about it. Not a good decision.

So I am forging ahead with the fondant idea. No risk/no reward is my new fondant motto. My day has purpose now. I must go to Costco for abnormally giant bags of mini marshmallows and powdered sugar.
I love it when a day comes together.

Too Much

If I were to describe how life feels right now this is it! The only difference would be that I would be pedaling the bike AND crying...occasionally I would throw in some gnashing of teeth for stress relief and style points.

The truth is that I am still loved despite it and for reasons of undeserved mercy, I reach today's destination. Can I hear an AMEN?

Pet CT Scan

Today I had a Pet CT Scan. The king of scans...the don't eat after 7 the night before and make sure you don't eat anything that tastes good for dinner scan.
The blood sugar and IV and radioactive glucose injection scan. The now you sit perfectly still in a dark room for 45 minutes and then I will bring you gallons of barium to drink scan. Then when you are done with all that you get to lay perfectly still for another hour inside the tube scan.

Oh don't get me wrong, I am thankful for the scan I just hate it. It gives the doctor so much information. No other procedure gives him more information than this.

Information is good. I am again hoping for good information. As soon as I know something I will post it.
I am soooooooo tired right now that I can't muster up anything else to say.

Oh, wait...yes I can....if you haven't answered last blog's questions then I still want to hear from you. OK, now I am offically done.

Questions

I was sitting and thinking...actually I was drinking coffee and eating a cookie...
I was thinking about everyone who reads my blog. I wish I could drink coffee and eat a cookie with each one of you and get to know you better. I would have the single shot Americano with room for milk and a molasses cookie and you would have a double tall pumpkin latte with?
So here in lies the reason for today's blog. Questions. I would, on occassion, like to ask you all a few questions...starting with the question above. I would love to know you all better.
Today's second question is...what is your favorite ice cream?
Mine is Ben and Jerry's Coconut Seven Layer Bar

At the end of my rope

This morning I woke up at the end of my rope. That is not a fun place. Ok well maybe it would be fun if there were say a Lemon Meringue Pie at the end of my rope. Or a spa day. But alas, the end of the rope does not signify anything positive. It typically means that things are....well.....not pleasant. And right now, things are not pleasant.

So what does someone like me do when I am at the end of my rope?
Well, I take all the linens out of my linen closet and re-fold and re-fresh. It's a woman thing I guess, because when your linens are re-folded and re-freshed then life seems somehow better. Sorry guys. But may I suggest pairing your socks? Or taking everything that has a hole in it out of your drawers? Ha Ha...see I am feeling better already. And here is a little added bonus. While you are folding and pairing and discarding, smile and be aware of all that you Do have.

P.S. One of the things I have, is a problem taking the dryer sheets out of the linens before I fold them. Gotta be more focused. I'm just sayin'...

September ...I love September

Wow, the summer has gone so fast and it's already September. I love September. I love the word September and how it looks written on a page. Maybe that sounds a little creepy, but I am a word gal so that kind of stuff happens in my brain.
I love it for other reasons too. The weather, the leaves, the fact that it's my birthday (write that down)AND my sister's birthday on the same day! We are 1 year apart to the day! I also like the song September by Earth, Wind and Fire. That was the first concert I ever went to. It represents good memories(darn good because I went with two older guys I had mad crushes on...Bazinga! How could that not be good.)
Here is my September moment for you....enjoy....soooo wish I could dance like that!

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Crying with .....

About two weeks ago I was very tired. I am tired a lot these days for lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of reasons. One of the biggies though is the chemotherapy pills. They are huge and pink and they cause chaos in me and on me.

On this day however, I was really really super duper tired. A few minutes after settling in for the evening to watch t.v. with my son, there was a knock at the door. Figuring it was one of his buddies, my son got up to answer it. Next thing I know he is hanging over the back of my chair whispering "Mom, there is a Schwan man here." I whispered back "tell him I said no thank you." "Mom, I can't do that!"
"Yes you can"..."No I can't..."Yes you can"..."No I can't"..ARGH! So I walked to the door and said hello. He was a very nice man...very grandfatherly...and we began to chat. He told me about Schwans and I wasn't really focusing on what he said. I just began to think of how much he looked like Wilford Brimley.

I told him that I was really only cooking for one these days, that my husband was gone and due to my treatment my appetite was gone as well. Also my daughter was only eating BBQ shredded beef on a bun or crouton wraps with ranch dressing which I didn't suppose was featured in their catalog. I realized that I had probably given him more information than he wanted and I thanked him for his time. But instead of saying goodbye, he asked me what I was being treated for.

I told him a little about the cancer and he began to tell me about his wife and what she was going through...how he was care taking for her and how he was supporting her through her treatment. It began turning into one of those moments where I wanted to invite him in for a cup of hot cocoa and a long visit where we talk about life and how illness has changed so many things. How our plans and dreams and perspectives have changed and we would promise to keep in touch and we would exchange addresses and send each other Christmas cards and the kids and I would send him an ornament every year, and he would send Schwan's cookies for me and the kids.... Oh my, I think I have watched too many Hallmark movies.

It didn't get to that point, but we did talk for a few more minutes. By the end of the conversation we promised to pray for each other and for our families...and by the time Mr. Brimley stepped off the porch we were both in tears and grateful for our meeting. I never imagined that I would be crying happy tears on my front porch with the Schwan man.

So the next time the Schwan man knocks on the door...I recommend the key lime pie.

Rain

I am looking outside and it is raining. I don't want it to rain today. Today and tomorrow are the only days left of summer and then school starts. I want these last two days to be warm and sunny and bright for my kids. This was my daughter's last real "kid" summer. It wasn't actually the summer we wanted, all things considered, but it was a summer of growth and healing.

I miss the summers of sprinklers and the excited squeals when the popsicle man was making his rounds...the kids exploring the pond for frogs and salamanders....dirty toes from running barefoot all day and seeing the expression on the kids faces when they finally came in as the sun was setting and they were full of that "good tired" feeling.

I am now watching the rain as it drips off the leaves of the tree just outside my window. It looks like the leaves are crying. I feel like crying too. Crying for what the kids are experiencing as they deal with a mom with cancer and a dad who has walked out.
But from deep down, the thought rises that rain is good. Rain brings growth and health..rain allows us to appreciate more the sunny days that we do have. It revives areas that need growth, that have dried up from lack of attention.

I am now going to be thankful for "the rainy days".

Don't miss a moment

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