The unexpected

Yesterday was full of the unexpected. First off the weather was actually good....at least where I come from...I also got something in the mail from my sister-in-law but I don't know what it is yet because I have to pick it up at the post office.
Then I got a CD in the mail from someone I have never met. It was his first album. Thank you Joe, that was so thoughtful, I look forward to listening and thank you Claire for coming to the event. Wow, that was a very fun and interesting night and I am so grateful to everyone.

Next on the list was my Dr's appointment. The scan results were unexpected, my blood test results were unexpected, I was given two shots and an IV that were also unexpected...and I learned that I will be having surgery soon....very unexpected.

Lots of the unexpected in the last year of life. Some very wonderful and some very hard and very sad.

I am learning more and more that today is the only day I need to deal with. I don't need to deal with tomorrow because tomorrow may very well be full of the unexpected.

Today I am deciding to tell my kids I love them....a lot...or at least a lot more than normal. Then I am going to eat some Halloween candy....carve that gosh darn punkin and hopefully sit and watch a movie. It's been too long.

Today

I opened my front door this morning to let the cat out. It was still very dark and it seemed colder than yesterday. I stood there for a few seconds and became aware of the total silence. There was no breeze, not a single sound. It felt oddly restful. I slipped on my son's coat that was nearby and stood there a bit longer. I thought about what life looks like now. I thought about my son who was still in his room asleep and how in just a few minutes his alarm would go off and he would wake again to his new reality. I thought about my daughter who is struggling with a condition that causes her great anxiety while she is facing huge life changes.
I thought about my appointment today with the Dr...wondering what the new treatment is going to look like, how it will affect my ability to be what I am being asked to be right now as a mom and a "dad" and a problem solver and a counselor and a form of glue to what used to be their world.

I took one last look outside and thought about the number of years I have seen those same trees and houses yet life looks so very different now. Before I closed the door I prayed for my son...for my daughter...and for an extra bit of strength.

The headache of 2010

Through this experience I am trying my best to learn new things. The learning spectrum during difficult times is huge if you are willing to look. I decided long ago that I didn't want this time to be wasted so I am looking.
Yesterday and a teeny weeny bit of today, I have gained a new found empathy for those who deal with headaches.
I'm not talking about tiny little headaches that are gone within 2 minutes of taking something....I am talking about a real honest to goodness headache that starts in the back of your head and travels up and over to the front of your head. The kind that the pills you swallow take the first available left turn to your kidneys so they can avoid any interaction with your head whatsoever.

I confess to having that very headache yesterday...I confess to thoughts of cutting off my head on several occasions...I confess to thinking of words to scream out while covering my face with a pillow but never said as my son was home and mommy is doing her best to set a good example. I already have one child that has gone rogue with her vocabulary. That's enough.

Ok so here is a funny thought....how about naming our headaches like we do storms. For example Headache Hilda, assuming of course there is someone named Hilda that may very well be the primary source of your headache....ok....maybe that's not a good idea.
(Quick change to me standing at podium in keeping with the current political season)

"So as I stand before you today ay ay ay ay (echo sounds)I say to all my fellow human beings ings ings ings...that we CAN learn from the circumstances that we are in, we just need to take the time to look and listen...(sound of loud and rising applause) Now let us go and be our better selves today and I will be right behind you after I swallow these two Aleve tablets, and we shall be victorious!"
My name is Laurie and I approved this message.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

There is only one solution to having no control over anything in your life...including the headache that has decided to reside over your right eyebrow and occasionally travel down the side of your head despite the two Aleve you took with your coffee.

That solution is to bake cookies. Not just any cookie mind you....but Oatmeal Scotchies. Holy best cookies ever after molasses, shortbread and lemon bars Batman!
Is not everyone on the planet happier whilst eating an oatmeal scotchie? I would say the answer to that is an unmistakable YES!.

Thank you Quaker Oats and Nestle for merging together with some butter and eggs to form this delicious solution to life's daily struggles.

Fatigue

This is what today looks like. Wait, I take that back. This is what getting out of bed looks like today. Enough said. But look at me all sitting at the computer and talking with you. I DID IT! I GOT OUT OF BED! It's nothing but a small miracle. I am now going to celebrate by taking another vitamin C and attempting to put on my wig and say hello to the world outside. I think I feel my blood beginning to sludge through my veins. It appears I may even have it in me to make some coffee. Oh the possibilities.....

One of those kind of days

You must forgive me today if I am a bit cranky. The fatigue from the radiation just doesn't seem to be getting better. Then there are all the other things.
I think all the light bulbs in my house got together in the middle of the night and decided that it would be funny if they all went out at the same time. Not funny light bulbs, not funny at all!
I also believe that all the hair on my dog got together and said "Ok, everyone pair off in groups of 100 and at the count of 3 we will all jump off."
THEN...while cleaning the bathtub, my leg needed to go one way but evidently my foot wasn't paying attention and my knee is now offically mad at both of them.
And today I am scheduled for another CT Scan even though I just had a Pet Ct scan 30 days ago. I guess you could call that doing the "scan scan"...oh that was bad, sorry.
No, today's scan is for next week's biopsy. And next week's biopsy is for next month's treatment. I like to see it as my little train to health. Oh, who am I kidding?! It's the big train to health...it just looks little from here, but when you get closer it is really pretty big. Holy mackerel I am tired.

So I am off to drink my second cup of healing (see coffee blog)Chuga chuga choo choo.

What was I thinking?!

Before my cancer diagnosis I felt I had a pretty normal perspective on things.
But things have changed...my perspective has changed...what I value now is so much different than before.

VALUE: To regard or esteem highly.
Life is more valuable to me, the people in my life are more valuable to me, relationships are more valuable than ever before.

Now is when I randomly make the dramatic shift to an example of value.....

When I look at the people in my life now, they shine and sparkle and I want to spend time with them and I set aside other things just to talk or have coffee or anything. I want to know them more and listen more and pay more attention to their lives. I try not to let life be an excuse for having no time to do these things. I try to say thank you more and I love you more. Wow, now look what you've done you darn friends, I need a tissue.

If I had 3 wishes today, one would deffinatley be that I could have arrived at this place sooner...I think it just takes hard times in our lives before we learn what we truly value and to take action in that direction.

I wish there was someone here to hug cuz' I gotta hug someone. My dog has fleas so he is not an option right now. Hopefully the mail man will show up soon.

Yadda yadda yadda goodnight

Have you ever been so tired that even making a cup of coffee seemed like a
gargantuan effort? I am just going to get the homeschoolers word for the day over with in the first sentence. I hope that is ok with everyone.
Here are some other words that describe tired.....weary, knackered, pooped, bushed, drained, sapped...I think I might need to eat a banana or something.

So with that as the foundation of this conversation let me talk a bit about yesterday. Yesterday I took a shower...you are welcome....and while I was in the shower...no! no! wait! don't leave...while in the shower I prayed. Albeit too much information, I do a lot of praying in the shower. So much so that a friend suggested that I offer a "shower prayer list " sign up page. All in favor? I didn't think so.
So that prayer included my appointment with a new Dr. yesterday. I was bound and determined NOT to like him. But yadda yadda yadda I have two scans and a follow up appointment next week. Ok, I understand that only devoted Seinfeld viewers are going to burst into a resounding chuckle at that last line. So for everyone else I will explain.

This new Dr. seemed to want to take me down a new path to healing. Doesn't that sound wonderful. Well, yes I suppose. But this new path is not without needles and other unpleasant things like brain MRI's and biopsies and ct scans. But I think I really kinda like him and his newfangled ideas.

So all that being said I will be off to the grocery store and back to my bed for a nap in record time. I may even leave the grocery store part out to achieve the nap part much faster. Yah, that is what I am going to do.

Three pronged day

Today is best described as a "three pronged day".
Prong #1 is my son the photographer, of whom I am so proud to the point of bursting out in song, is having one of his photos, that was taken during the AHS Homecoming game, published in our local paper. If you happen to live around these parts, you better go get your copy fast as I will be buying whatever copies are left right after I start a load of laundry and finish loading the dishwasher....and pick up the empty pop cans in the family room and taking them to the recycle can in the garage. So in other words...pretty soon.

Prong #2 is an interview with a new oncologist later today.
I must say that no one can compare to Dr. Lee in my eyes and in my heart....but due to the lack of spousal support, it appears that I must move my treatment closer to home. Grrrrr. That is all I have to say about that...well, no it's not but it is all I will say about that. So, updates on Dr. changes will be forthcoming.

Prong #3 is the choosing and carving of my Halloween pumpkin :) This will help me finish my day with a smile....I hope....tonight I will not be a cancer patient, but a pumpkin carving mom!

Forest "jumped"

Awwwwwwwwwwww, isn't he the cutest thing? This was my baby (now he is Ruth's baby)Forest Jump. I love Forest and I LOVE Ruth! Forest turned 1yr old this past June. He is a beautiful, sweet and friendly boy. Ruth is beautiful, sweet and friendly too, but she didn't try to jump the fence a few weeks ago. Ruth knew better....Forest did not.
I guess Forest just wanted to be happy and something on the other side of the fence looked like happiness to him. It could be that Forest didn't give much thought to the fence. That maybe the fence might be there for a reason....that possibly the fence was there FOR his happiness, not to prevent it.

So Forest jumped the fence and got a super big owie. Today I am going to go see Forest and hug him and love him and kiss him and then have a little discussion about the fence. Then I am going to hug Ruth and thank her profusley (homeschoolers this is your word for the day) for everything she has done and is doing for Forest and for me and for having a fence in the first place.

Oh what a night

WOW! What an amazing night. I am still gathering pictures and my thoughts to describe last Friday at "The Muse" in Conway, WA. What a great night it was and I am so thankful to everyone who was there and did so much for me. I can't say thank you enough times to actually express the level of gratitude I feel.

Coffee.....the juice of life

Today I learned that people in the U.S. receive most of their antioxidants from coffee. Scientists are saying that a serving of coffee contains more antioxidants than a typical serving of blueberries, grape juice, raspberries, or oranges. A cup of coffee contains up to four times as much antioxidant activity as a cup of green tea. Can I hear an AMEN..cuz' green tea tastes like the grass in my front yard...not that I have ever eaten the grass in my front yard.

Antioxidants protect people from free radicals produced in the body and in the environment and our diets.
Scientists are finding that drinking coffee makes it possible to postpone or prevent many degenerative diseases including cancer, heart disease cataracts, and diseases of the nervous system.
Chlorogenic acid is the main poly phenol in coffee, but there are others too. A Japanese study of 61,000 people found that coffee drinkers are less likely to develop liver cancer than those who don't drink it. To that I say bottoms up!
Caffeic acid, which I have never heard of, is another poly phenol found in coffee that has been shown to protect cells from oxidation. Caffeic acid works together with the cholorogenic acid to protect cerebral neurons, promote cell differentiation, and normalize colon function. Can I hear another AMEN!
The combination has been found effective at stopping cell proliferation and causing cell death in breast cancer cells...AMEN and HALLELUJAH.

This blog was written in all my own words...no it wasn't...I just wanted to appear smarter today because my brain is offically fried from these last 10 treatments...and all the carbon monoxide from the miles and miles of driving....ok that's not true either..or maybe it could be...I have no idea. But in my defense I have traveled 1,400 miles these past two weeks.

So Viva Cafe' as they say...and fill your day with caffeic acid and may you be better for it. As for me....it's a Punkin' spiced latte day!

The Team

The very first time I met my radiation team was in my hospital room the day after surgery. They were moving me from my bed to a backboard and to another bed. This bed transported me to another part of the hospital where they began taking x-rays and marking spots for my upcoming 5 weeks of treatment.

I spent most of that day feeling like I was watching myself in a Hallmark movie...that it couldn't be real...but I couldn't find the remote to change the channel.

On that same day I bonded a little with these people. They were very focused and spoke mostly in numbers but despite their mission they smiled at me a lot. There were several of them revolving around me in constant motion, but no matter what they were focused on, they made sure to provide me with a reassuring touch. As I stared at the ceiling I could feel someone pat my arm or squeeze my hand or brush my forehead.

As I moved through treatment we began having fun together....yes, I just said fun...
There was Mike and his quirky music...Jude and his sense of humor..Jean and her brilliant ability to take the fear out of everything and make you wish you could stay a bit longer. And there was Kathy who always was the first to greet you by name and the other Jean who smiled and cared about every detail and even sat with mom to help with the puzzle.

These amazing people became the "team". I had many rounds of radiation with the "team". Then one day I came to see Dr Lee and the "team" was gone.

Due to a bunch of contracts and decisions that I know nothing about, the "team" was moving to a different location and began to split up. That has made this round of radiation more of a struggle. Oh both Jeans are there and that soothes my troubled heart, but the "team" is no more and I feel vulnerable. I am back in the Hallmark movie where everything is strange again. I take that back. It is more like a dream because J.P. is there now too, and in what world does cancer, friends, strangers, treatment and J.P. Patches exist together. Ya, it's a dream.

Hittin' the road again

I hit the road again for another week of treatment. I am not whining mind you. I know there are some who would gladly make the drive everyday if they could only find a job. So no whining here.
How about complaining? Is complaining allowed? Ok, I guess not....even if it was allowed I would really have no reason to complain. I will be spending the morning and/or afternoon with a good friend and who can complain about that? Not me.

So, as there is no further information other than I am on the road again, I will go and have my 2nd cup of coffee and be thankful even if we do have to drive 3+ hours for a 5 minute treatment. Dang! I'm sorry, it just slipped out.

Hello Patches Pals

As a little girl I loved watching JP Patches on TV. He had an ICU2 tv set and every day he would mention names of kids who were watching. He never called my name but I still waited every day to hear it. I loved his silly jokes, and alter egos. JP's name was Julius Pierpont Patches...along with JP was Boris S. Wort, The Swami of Pastrami, LeRoy Frump, Superclown, PJ Scratches and more.

The show ran from 1958 to 1981. This was my entire childhood.
As I sat and laughed with JP I never thought that in the future I would be sitting and laughing with him as we both waited for radiation treatment.
That is the experience I had yesterday and will have in the upcoming week.
It may sound silly but I loved sitting with JP, both of us in our attractive treatment attire...discussing life and laughing. The best thing about yesterday was that I was a Patches Pal and not a cancer patient. Thank you JP.

The shin bone's connected to the ......

So yesterday I learned something new. I learned that your shin bone is also called your TIBIA. I knew I had a tibia but I wasn't sure where exactly it was located. Now I am sure and I am taking my tibia bone every day to radiation treatment.

But wait... there's more I also learned that my tibia will be at it's weakest point after the radiation is done. Huh? So I asked my Dr. that same question..."huh?"

You see, the cancer does not grow on the outside of the bone like a barnacle. It grows in the porous section of the bone....the little teeny tiny holes in your bones. As it expands and grows the bones begin to break....it ain't pretty.

So to prevent your bone from breaking...which would seriously hurt and which outcome I am doing my best to avoid, the cancer must die by radiation. All of a sudden I feel like Jack Bauer with a big gun that shoots radiation!

But wait there's more...You would think that killing the cancer cells in your tibia is a good thing...and you would be right....buuuuttttt..it is at that time that the tibia is most likely to break. Huh?
So I asked my Dr. that same question..."huh?"

When the cancer dies, the area where the cancer cells were becomes hollow until the bone can regenerate new bone. It works the same as if you had actually broken the bone. The process of regeneration takes about 6-8 weeks. And the word on the street is that the bone becomes stronger by virtue of the breaking.
Now that, in my opinion, is a metaphor for life.

Thank you all

I just want to say thank you to everyone of you. Some of you I have met, some I have known for years and years and years and years, some are family, some are friends of family, and some just ended up here somehow. I am grateful for you no matter what category you fall in.

Today, due to my current situation, I want to give a Super Friends shout out to the two girls that are putting in the miles for me this week. Thanks beyond measure goes to you both.

And thank you as well to my new friends that are coming here, in exactly 32 minutes to drive me to Seattle again for radiation and Dr. Radiation, otherwise known as Dr. Landis.

And the fun never stops....well, actually it does...pretty much every day...but I just keep reminding myself that the fun never stops.....it's complicated....we will talk about it later. : )

A BLITTS update

The situation, as it stands now, it still a bit fluid. WOW! I just thought about what that sentence looks like to a person with Asperger's.
First off, situations don't stand...and fluid is liquid. So to rephrase...The circumstances I am in now, are still changing. I was informed yesterday that my radiation treatment will continue for another week.
So all of the things I took off the calendar for this week and moved to next week, now have to be taken off the calendar for next week and moved to the following week...if that is even possible.

I still don't really know what chemotherapy medicine I will be taking. There are many many choices, all poisonous, all with side effects, some with horrible side effects, some with very few,some that are taken weekly and some every 3 weeks.

I know some of you have been through this before. And if you have, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear from you.

The chemo also requires a "port" which is a little dealybop they sick in your chest to administer the poison.

I have no idea yet how long I will be taking this medicine. I have heard it could be up to a year. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

So.........onward and upward as they say. I don't think they are necessarily happy when they say it, but they still say it because it is the right thing to do.

Here we go again

My new round of radiation treatment starts today. Yippee (she said through gritted teeth). Supposedly, I will be through this round by Friday. Next step will be Cyber Knife...possibly...then chemo. Yahoo (jaw still clenched).

Well, I gotta go now....my happy place is calling.

When life gives you lemons

After the results of my last scan, I have been wondering. I realize that "it is what it is" as they say, but......is it possible that....naahh, probably not so much.

Phew! I feel better now that that issue is resolved. Next issue please.

When life gives you lemons what should you do? Ok, altogether now, "MAKE LEMONADE". And when life gives you ginger, put the lemon and the ginger in a small teapot, wait 3 minutes and drink.

Great advice I believe as lemon and ginger have both been noted for slowing the spread of cancer. Who is not going to be all over that I ask myself!! And "HELLO", at this time of year isn't it time to start thinking of all things ginger? For the ginger impaired let me just say GINGERBREAD. Enough said.

So, when life gives you lemons don't whine, just add a little ginger and let your imagination run wild...you know....within reason...don't go too crazy....maybe just make tea...or some gingerbread...that's all I"m saying.