Houston.....we kinda have a problem on the Orbital

This is a quick sketch I just did from memory with a charcoal pencil, showing the results of my "Orbital MRI". Just kidding...I used a sharpie not a pencil...just kidding...Google images drew it for me....
The BLUE is the brain stem at the top of my spine...the GREEN is the tumor that sits on the brain stem at the top of my spine...and the little RED spots to the right and left of it are the "5th nerve". Therein lies the problem with my chin.

The 5th nerve branches off into several places and one of them is the chin.
It appears that the tumor on the top of my brain stem has been compressing this nerve for nigh on two years and it has finally waved the white flag and given up.

Here again....all my time spent worrying I could have spent...well there isn't a whole lot I can do, but I could have spent it doing something other than worrying.

I am also glad I know this because I can now say something to my kids like "That is my 5th nerve and you're on it!!!"

Ollie ollie oxen free (whatever)

Today I just want to give up...I want to stop getting treatment, stop driving to Seattle constantly, stop having scans, stop taking 20 pills before bed, stop unsuccessful IV pokes, blood draws, stop walking like a dork, stop struggling up stairs, stop shrinking inch by inch, stop wearing a wig, stop feeling useless,stop hearing the Dr say that I am not a textbook case when I want to be a textbook case,stop wondering if every ache or pain is cancer spreading or not.

I also want to stop having a numb spot on my chin which lead to an "orbital" MRI which is scheduled for Monday.I don't want to hear what the Dr has to say and I especially don't want to hear it if it's bad.

Am I cranky?....I suppose a little.

Chinny chin chin

I have recently found a numb spot on my chin. It feels weird...kinda like the last stages of a dental visit...not TOTALLY numb but not not-numb. For months I have avoided looking up my symptoms on line because that is a slippery slope I do not want to start sliding down...that slope is steep, rocky, and full of prickers!

So after looking my symptoms up online......I found that one of the causes of this, is metastatic breast cancer.....who knew? Well some people knew cuz someone had to post it.
So I called the Dr., and Naveed (Nurse extraordinaire) told me not to give it another thought. While admitting that the mind is a terrible thing, he told me that there were many reasons for this numb chin thing and there was no reason for me to stew about it....adding that looking symptoms up online is a bad bad idea.

For a split second I felt peace. It was great....it was refreshing...it was so quick.
I feel like I will never learn.

Before and after

Before my cancer diagnosis, my days were busy busy busy. There was, of course, normal house stuff like vacuuming, dusting, washing, drying, mopping, scrubbing, loading, unloading,stripping, re-making, buying, baking, feeding...etc.
Then there was horsing, scooping, watering, grooming,feeding again, lunging etc.
Then there was research, reading, asking, counseling...on raising a daughter with Asperger's Syndrome. Then there was the actual RAISING of the daughter with Asperger's. There were trips to the school...too many to count...countless hours emailing teachers, many meetings and many controversies.
Then there were friends and coffee and BS (Bible study) and a husband and a son, oil changes for the car, new underwear and socks without holes...and the list goes on.

My days look much different now. They are much less complicated...in fact they are downright slow most of the time....OK boring (you had to make me say it didn't you.
Not boring in the Cancer sense....(cancer is NEVER boring..especially in your head) but boring in the physical sense.

I have decided that since there is really nothing I can do about it, I will like my new life. One of the nice things about this new life is that I am almost ALWAYS available should I get a phone call inviting me for coffee or lunch...(hint hint)

Well the dog needs me now so I better go : )

There's wind in the air....huh?

October is here, bringing many new issues to life. Things like commercials with Christmas music in the background (really?) wishing that you could make a perfect apple pie with a flaky crust and not too runny...where are we having Thanksgiving...and wind.

I used to love the wind when I was a child....then I married and moved to a house in the middle of the woods on an island and I HATED the wind....currently the wind and I have an understanding....don't blow over 40mph and I won't freak out.

I don't think the wind likes our "deal" and it was trying to tell me so the other day in the Safeway parking lot. Somehow, the wind got it in it's head that it was going to blow my brand new wig off in front of everyone I know....but what the wind doesn't know is that I am too smart to fall for that and I used.......my hand!

Oh the wind was angry at that and the sides of my wig blew up and the back blew up and the bangs were everywhere but I fought the battle and won. I might have given it away tho' as I walked in the store and spent the next 5 minutes readjusting my hair.

I swear next time I am tying a string under my chin then wearing a big hat and sunglasses so no one knows it's me. Oh humility......you are good for me.

I love RBC's

This is me before my blood transfusion......



This is me after!!!

Earlier this week I went to the hospital, where they seated me in a recliner, inserted an IV, and gave me two units of blood....beautiful...glorious....wonderful red blood cells. Thank you healthy blood donor, you have changed my days..there is nothing as healing as the blood!

Up up and away

Yesterday my mom and I flew home from Chicago. We had a great time. Mom went to her 50th High School reunion and I sat at every one's house and ate their food. It was great.

The flight home is normally a little over 4 hours due to headwinds, but yesterdays flight seemed much shorter as I was attempting to save every life on that plane which kept me very busy.

It began when our fully loaded plane was speeding down the runway to rise effortlessly into the wild blue yonder with fluffy clouds and nothing but happiness.
Then my mom tapped my arm and directed me to look at the very well dressed man across the isle from me.....HE WAS READING A FLIGHT MANUAL....a very well worn flight manual that described all the gauges and how to turn the plane around....

After studying the manual for several minutes he pulled out another manual, this one written in another language and highlighted with pink highlighter.

After a small panic attack, which my mom found quite humorous, I began to plan how we were going to take him down should he try to hijack the plane. Several times during my planning session he got up to use the Loo which I decided was too many times because he was too young to have "those" issues.... and I decided that he was using that time to mix water with his eye drops and some aspirin to make the explosive device.

While mom was changing the disc in the DVD player I was scouting the plane for strong husky men...then I began to wonder what building we would be crashing into as I noticed he never looked at the landing portion of the manual.

Meanwhile everyone else on the plane was quiet and relaxed....they were either sleeping or reading while enjoying their complementary beverage. I wish I had been sleeping because clearly this was a total waste of what energy I had left.

After 5 episodes of Bleak house on the DVD player I only managed to remember 3 names and am afraid I will have to watch some of it again as I spent vital minutes deciding what to have written on my headstone.

Chicago

Believe it or not I am in Chicago. It was a gutsy move I must admit considering my anemic state.....but it's not like I walked here. I have done much sitting and visiting with fabulous Aunt's, Uncle, and cousins and it has been great. Oh I could fall asleep at any time but they are doing their best to keep me awake.

I will resume blog entries when I am home Monday.