The to-do list

I am finally home. I left Anacortes before Thanksgiving to undergo 3 weeks of radiation to my jaw and my knee. This turned into my being away from "home" for over a month.

With all that has happened I was looking forward to coming home and relaxing....a cup of coffee, some TV, a long hot shower and days spent in my p.j's. What kind of fantasy land was I thinking I lived in?!

I came home to dishes in the sink, Christmas present chaos, unfinished laundry, suitcases to unpack, unpaid bills, papers to sign, kids to chauffeur, counters to clean and I think we are out of toilet paper.....again.

If you know me, you will chuckle at the picture above because I am ALWAYS writing everything I need to remember on my "palm" pilot...aka...the palm of my hand. You see, this way I can't leave it at home, or in the car, or loose it on the desk or in the abyss that is my purse.

With all that I have to do, I think I will actually need both palms in the next few days. So much for resting.....

God in the details

Room 254 bed 2....that is where I am right now..if you had asked me yesterday where I would be now I would have answered "home, in Anacortes". Well, I am not....again, serving as a fine example of life out of my control.

I arrived at my Dr.'s appointment yesterday as scheduled, and ended up having yet another blood transfusion today as NOT scheduled...the transfusion came with two eggs,scrambled, whole wheat toast and a single tall latte. (latte courtesy of super friend Traci, who is ALWAYS fabulous for providing coffee, magazines and some laughs.)

According to mom, who patiently sits with me, there is emerging color in my cheeks.

Yummy Yummy red blood cells, making me feel better. The Dr. thinks the combination of the radiation, new chemo, and rapid weight loss/dehydration...are the cause.
I think he is a smart man who knows whereof he speaks.

So in my out of control world my veins are gulping down healthy blood and I become more and more aware of God's amazing attention to the details.

Blowing it

Every day...more and more...I realize that I have no control...kids, health, life, people in my life, weather, finances, gas prices, untimely blemishes..."Do I have milk? Do I need milk?"

The beauty in this true story is that it although it is scary to admit that you have zero control....it sure takes the "Boy, I really blew it" out of life.

AAAhhhhhhccchoooooooooooooo! Bless me!

Christmas Eve

It was the night before Christmas and inside my house,
my kids high on sugar and not a word from my spouse.
Our stockings were still in the attic upstairs
everyone was too tired to get them down from up there.

Only half of the presents were wrapped thanks to me
I think the rest will be wrapped but we'll have to see.

In our "jammas" the parents took our pills plus 3 more,
one for sleeping, one for acid, one so that Chad wouldn't snore.

Despite all the pills I woke to a "beep". I became a bit angry as I really need sleep.
My daughter was up at 15 past 4:00,
making the dinner she should have had the night before.

Now awake with adrenaline I couldn't sleep, I began counting hay bales instead of the sheep.

I worried about cancer and then driver's ed. I wondered when I last washed the sheets on my bed.
I wondered and worried why it's taken so long, to cure cancer and everything else that is wrong.
And then I remembered that it was Christmas Eve,
and God was much bigger than this stupid disease.

So I rolled my self over which is no simple task, and I moved to the left and then I asked,

"I don't know what you are thinking, I don't know what's ahead," I paused to listen and then I said,
"Can I whisper to you what I want instead?" I closed my eyes softly and then turned my head...

"I want a gift that no other can possibly give...I want the cancer to go... I want to live."

Another year

It is hard for me to believe that another year has gone by. This time last year I was just coming off a radiation treatment...I was behind in my shopping..I didn't have all my Christmas cards mailed and Chad was asleep on the couch. Nothing has changed.
Well there is one thing that is different....last year we had snow...more snow than I have seen in the past 15 years at least.

I am a snow lover. I am sure that all of you who are reading this on East Coast are saying "What? Is this woman out of her mind?"
I am a snow lover because it makes everything look clean again....the world seems quiet....it turns ugly things uniquely beautiful....oh and around here is melts pretty much by bedtime.

I really thought that by this time there would be more differences than snow. Praying for a Christmas miracle and a little snow.

Overload

My cart is overloaded...I know I am not the only one. Cancer is HARD...life is HARD....heck, let's face it, doing anything without caffeine is hard.

Between the mouth sores, sore throat, chemo, head cold and radiation fatigue.... the FIGHT in me has taken a small hiatus. I think it went to Hawaii. God knows how much I like Hawaii so He was kind enough to send it there....cuz the truth of the matter is, that like this donkey, there is NOTHING I can do about my situation but hang out and wait.... oh, it's not the least bit comfortable but flailing around will just make it worse.

So for you homeschooling moms, the spelling/vocabulary word for today is "hiatus"...please spell it, then use it in a sentence today....

For everyone else....God knows what we need.....just relax...no fair eye-rolling.

Defeated

I woke up this morning with very little fight in me. Pondering this. I sure don't like how it feels.

TLBOP

I have a very dear friend here in Anacortes. She is amazing, along with her husband and kids...and I don't say that lightly.
Every once in a while she calls and reads to me from The Little Book of Prayers to offer me encouragement.

During one of those phone calls we started to chuckle about how different the prayers would be if she wrote her own version of TLBOP. We are both going through some difficult, painful, baffling, confusing times right now.

She decided that her prayers would be a little less elegant. For example, here are some exerps from pages 1-5:
1.WHAT?
2.HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?
3.NO NO NO NO, THAT WASN'T WHAT I ASKED FOR
4.I HAVE DONE THAT ALREADY! I DON'T WANT TO DO IT AGAIN.
5.THIS IS RIDICULOUS...AKA...THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.

I borrowed a prayer out of the newly revised version yesterday as my tongue burned and all the skin on the inside of my cheek began to peel off like a blister, and I couldn't eat or drink anything. Then just for fun I woke up with a very sore throat!
Page 5 works for me.

The bell rings for round 4...DING!

Yesterday was hard. I spent the morning driving from Anacortes to the hospital in freezing temperatures...I think we had a high temp of 22*.....(don't think I can't hear all of you saying "22* that's nothing...it was -2* at my house)well, this is my blog and I can be cold at 22* if I want.

My first appointment of the day was with an Orthopedic Surgeon. He was reviewing the myriad of x-rays I had last week to decide whether or not to put pins in my arms and legs...Thankfully he didn't think it was a good idea, but on the not so thankful side was the amount of times he repeated, "Your disease is very advanced." "Look here, it's even in these tiny bones, you don't see that often." "Wow...there is a lot of disease there."

So on top of the burning tongue, radiation fatigue, insurance problems, super dry skin,freezing temperatures and the fact they didn't validate, I sat in the lobby too exhausted to even cry. I began a war with myself. I fought with myself through the rest of the day and into the night. Where does the trust go on super awful days? How do you keep fighting when everything is sucking the life out of you?

By the morning I decided I can't be the one doing the fighting. I need to be the one resting....resting in what I know is true. Oh I will take my crappy medicine, and endure the crappy side effects..because that's all part of it.But I am going to let someone much stronger than me do the fighting.

Now, back to the lobby. As I sat there hunched over and void of energy, super mom took out her cell phone, called the insurance company and within 5 minutes I had my chemo medicine authorized at a cost of $35 a month. Yea super mom. The battle rages on but now it's more affordable...(gotta find a silver lining somewhere!)

Side effects

The side effects of the radiation to my jaw have now begun. The inside of my mouth feels like a MacDonald's lawsuit except that I didn't have any coffee at MacDonald's.
It just burns.

Realizing that sometimes life is better through pharmaceuticals, I will be stopping by Walgreens today to pick up something for the raging inferno that is now my mouth.

Expect the unexpected

DRY mouth, otherwise known as xerostomia. Not once in my life did I ever think I would have to know about it, much less experience it. Well, maybe I did experience it once in Mr Berg's class where I had to give an oral report that was not close to being done because I decided to go to the basketball game instead.
Either way I never expected to know anything about it, or that there was such a thing as "numb chin syndrome" or what words like "aromatase inhibitors" meant or that veins have valves.
(Home school moms, are you taking notes?) I didn't know you could start shrinking at age 44 or that hair doesn't grow back lush and beautiful after radiation.
I also didn't know you could make such good friends in such a short period of time, that pain draws people together and that there are people who laugh WITH you not AT you when your wig falls off.

Everybody sing.....

Here is a little song I wrote this morning as I was getting ready. I thought in honor of Christmas I could borrow the tune from "Oh Christmas Tree"

No estrogen no estrogen
oh how I loathe no estrogen
No estrogen no estrogen
oh how I loathe no estrogen
My skin is dry as sand you see
my lips are cracking as we speak
No estrogen no estrogen
oh how I loathe no estrogen

Oh the fatigue

Today was my 5th day of radiation. 7 times the machine shifted and rotated and radiated for my jaw. Then I was spun around on the table so they could radiate my knee...which now has a bright green box around it.

The familiar fatigue is setting in. This morning I didn't want to get out of bed, or brush my teeth, or pack for the week, or pay attention when I drove, or microwave my coffee......here we go again!

Cough it up

Hopefully today I will find out if my insurance company will pay for the new medication. I do have a back-up plan but........not so sure it's a solid one.
Nothing but waiting in cancer...waiting waiting waiting

A dragon fly story

Once upon a time there was a girl with cancer. She was facing a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. She spent the whole day at the Dr's office having treatment after treatment. When she left the sky was dark and so was her mood.

Walking in the door she felt the need to check her e-mail right away. She was surprised to see that her sister, who lives in Poland, had sent her a picture. She opened the email and there, larger than life, was a huge dragonfly.

"Wow" she thought. "This is amazing timing." I really needed that encouragement right now.

It wasn't until the next day that she learned her sister had attempted to send that picture several times that day, before finally deciding to wait and send it in the morning.

At 11:00 pm(Polish Standard Time) unable to sleep, she got up, turned on the computer, and sent the picture with no problem. Moments later it was opened on the other side of the planet where her sister was hurting....perfect timing.

Had that picture arrived the day before, or even the day after...it would not have had the same impact.

God knows.....and that's huge.

Finding "Chemo"

I love Thanksgiving. I love that most everything on the table is carbohydrate and sugar based but we can call most of them vegetables. I love how the house smells the day before and I love the left overs for days after.

It might seem on the surface that my finding things to be thankful for today would be a bit difficult....oh contraire... I could come up with a hefty list...so hefty I am sure you would get bored before you finished reading it.

What I am not thankful for is everybody left their jobs just when I needed them...There I was looking for the Doctor...he's gone! Then I needed to talk to the insurance problem fixer...boom, she's gone! Today was the day I was supposed to find out whether or not the insurance was going to pay for my chemotherapy medicine. Guess where the insurance people were...gone!

I think I may have actually come up with a solution.

Ok, everyone who is related to someone who has had cancer raise your hand...ok, how about those who have friends with cancer? I think that just about covers everyone.
So my thought was just to inject the food WITH the chemo medicine and we would all get better.

"Fra-gee-lay" it must be italian

Today I became very fragile. Today I was told that I WAS very fragile. The Tamoxifen that we thought had been helping has stopped helping and the cancer is in just about every bone making them fragile and easy to break.

Now I ask you, what is a girl to do about this? Well, the first thing she does is grab her mom's hand and squeeze it hard....then she gets teary...then she decides that she is not a baby and can handle the next step.....which is chemotherapy.

This I am sure will be a story in itself for tomorrow's blog but I will give you a teeny tiny hint...my insurance will only provide me with one day's dose each month...costing me $200-and some ridiculous amount of dollars....ONE DAY?...WHAT GOOD IS THAT? But just like "mad skills" Barb we will have success on the second poke and it will be a good one.(Barb is one of my fabulous IV nurses...AND she has mad skills....amazing skills...hence the name.)

I don't want to fight this cancer battle, I don't want to live like this, I don't like the thought that I could stand up and shatter a femur...I want turkey and happiness and horses with winter coats...I want strong bones and fewer trips to the Dr. But at the same time I want to know the things that are important...I want to scoot over just a little when I go to bed to make room on my pillow so I don't miss anything..even if He whispers, I want to hear it. This is what keeps me fighting...this and my previously red hair..oh and I am finally down a few pant sizes...very motivating.

I will come up with a title for this later..

Wigs are very often a part of cancer treatment. Some women look beautiful and elegant in just a scarf...I on the other hand do not...I even think that my great grandpa O'Hair is chuckling at the resemblance.....not that he wore scarfs, but that I look more like him with no hair than me....TMI sorry.

The first wig I purchased...hmm how do I say this...You know that saying.... you are never supposed to go to the grocery store if you are starving because you will end up buying stuff you don't want just because you are so hungry..... well, I think that accurately describes my first wig shopping experience.
I was a wig novice, I was in unfamiliar surroundings, I was afraid to lose my hair and the shop owner spoke very little English...it was the perfect storm.

I took "Harriet" home and we had a few arguments at first, then we finally came to an understanding. I would wear her for a while but I could not promise to be "faithful" and I could not promise that I wouldn't try and change her.

Tomorrow "Harriet" and I have and appointment with Stephen at the salon. She doesn't know she is going yet, and there may be a few tears shed, but it's for her own good.
She will feel completely transformed when Stephen gets through with her....and I am looking forward to taking her to coffee when she's done.

Getting my glow on

I am back on the road again today to start radiation treatment.....back on the road to Thomas Kincaid puzzles, back on the road to fatigue, purple felt pen art on random body parts, lockers that hold all your replacement parts, and "muzak" that only compounds the desire to get out of there as soon as you can.....in other words...I am going to get my "glow" on.

Something to look forward to

This is my friend Natalie Grant on the right, and I wish that was my friend Wynonna Judd on the left. I have known Natalie since she was about 3 years old....we grew up next door to each other. I didn't pay much attention to her back then other than telling her to stop singing all the time because she was driving her sister and I nuts as we were trying to give ourselves home perms.....my bad on both accounts!

Long story short, we all grew up despite those bad decisions and now she is being showered with awards including the GMA's Female Vocalist of the year 4 years in a row.

I think that when you are going through a difficult time, it is good to have something to look forward to. As for me...I am looking forward to Saturday night when I am going with some good friends to see Natalie in concert.....I promise not to tell her to quit singing this time!

You sing it girl!!!!!

It's plug your ears time

Often, when I know I am about to hear some scary news, I plug my ears and sing Mary had a little lamb. Well, I heard something the other day and it scared me.
Women are now being advised to wait until they are 50 to have a mammogram. Not only is this scary.....it's ridiculous.

I was first diagnosed with cancer when I was 36....that is a long way from 50. My second cancer diagnosis was at 44.

We lost a very sweet friend to cancer this summer...she too was in her 40's. I say plug your ears and sing the next time you are told to wait on your mammogram.

A few other things to remember.....Jaclyn Smith, Jill Eikenberry, Shirley Temple, Christina Applegate, Sheryl Crow, Kylie Minogue and Robin Roberts all found their cancers through self exam.

Here are some of the women we lost to Breast Cancer long before age 50.....Heather Farr (LPGA) 28 years old, Judy Holiday (actress) 43 years old, Puma Jones (singer) 36 years old, Margaret Kilgallen (singer) 33 years old....SUSAN G. KOMEN 36 years old.

So here is my never to be humble opinion....plug your ears, then grab a bosom buddy and get checked every year starting now.

Hard is really hard

A friend of mine, who is going through a battle of her own, asked me this morning...
"Why does it have to be so hard?
I would have rathered she asked me out to lunch...or to a movie, or even for a solution to global political unrest.... I thought for a second and couldn't come up with one brilliant thing to say.
The only thing I can really say to that is that we were never promised a life minus the hard stuff....Some of us get it and some don't. I wish I were in the "don't" category more often but it is what it is.

Then this thought struck me (after we hung up of course) Think of what the world would be like with our propensities as humans and no hardship to temper it. Would there be a good one left among us?

It sure feels like mission impossible

This scene in Mission Impossible is the only one I remember...oh and something on a train....when I woke up this morning this scene popped into my head. It really summarizes how I am feeling right now.....I am not sure whether I have just avoided a catastrophe or about to get in one.....so I am just holding my breath and waiting.
Hopefully I will have test results by Monday.....

Bum bum bum bum,bum bum bum bum....dedle eee dedle eee dedle eee bud dum!

bubble toil and trouble

Don't you just love to see what the inside of your body looks like....me neither... I don't want to look, I don't want to know, As long as it is all in there and working the way it's supposed to then that's good enough for me. But.....today I had the scan of scans....the one that shows the good the bad and the ugly. I wasn't able to eat for exactly 17 hours before the scan..then the first thing you get to put in your stomach is the grey/blue cement flavored, congealy beverage.

I won't go into any more of the disgusting pre-scan regimen.....the word awful covers it I think. The word awful also covers the scan experience today as I had a mouth full of gauze and my radiation mask on for 25 minutes. And the word awful also covers the noises that my stomach is making as it is trying to digest the congealy stuff...oh my....it's loud...this is not good....it sounds like a boiling pot of some evil witches brew. How many miles of intestines do we have?

More later...

Morning shower

Have you ever stepped in the shower first thing in the morning, pulled the curtain and then yelled out "HELP ME"?
That is exactly what I did this morning.

**(make sure no one else is home before trying this prayer technique...someone might actually think you need help and run to your aid finding you naked and alone and trying to explain why you yelled out "HELP ME")

MPG for the IMG's

I need to get my hands on one of these cars. I have had two trips back to back to Seattle this week and next week there will be three.....THEN there will be 20 radiation treatments...1 a day, every M-F for 4 weeks.

I met with the Radiological Oncologist today...we looked at more scans of me. Evidently those scans are not enough so next week I am having a bone scan, a MRI brain scan, and a Pet CT scan...this will hopefully give them all the info they need and I will try to make some extra money in front of Safeway by glowing after dark...feel free to toss a few coins in the hat.

Next on the list is fitting back in the radiation mask...for some reason they kept my mask from last time....I was told that mine was the only one they saved....hmmm I don't know whether I should feel happy about that or not....seems kinda odd that mine was the only one they saved.

If nothing new shows up in the multitude of scans next week, then my face will be the only thing they will be aiming at......if there is other spots then I guess they will shoot those too.......at least I will be getting a base tan or should I say face tan....and hopefully the feeling back in my chin.

What I would really like to do right now is get in my new little car that has great gas mileage and drive to heaven where Cancer and anger and scans don't exist

Two blogs in one day........hmmmmmm

The day started well enough until I got the call from my Dr that I had missed my appointment to talk about my MRI results. They were, however, able to squeeze me in later so off I went. (I want to give a huge shout out to Carolyn who cancelled her schedule for the rest of the day to be with me and make it possible to hit the carpool lane which is priceless at 4:30pm)

Long story short....they found the reason for my numb chin and it wasn't the news you want to hear. It appears that the Tamoxifen has stopped working and there is a new cancer spot on my skull.

I have another appointment on Friday with the Radiological Oncologist to take about the next course of action. She will decide how much radiation, how long, and with which apparatus.

Then a series of full body scans, and brain scans.....then the possibility of a clinical trial....Dr. says there is "still time" in the big picture to aim for the trial before...well , before we have to deal with some really yucky stuff.

Still absorbing it all.....
I think I need chocolate.

The cancer is shrinking me

As I was going through all the pictures last weekend, I ran across this one.
After I had spent a few minutes trying to remember where I was going....why I thought to put my hair in a bun....why I chose that blouse against my pasty skin...and how old my brother was at the time....I saw my neck....my normal length,regular person neck. Those were the days when I could wear a necklace without it looking like a choker....when there was space between my bottom ribs and my pelvis...(sorry) so I could wear a belt or tuck in something.
As a tear dropped on to the keyboard, I realized those days are gone.

Love your forever spine compacting friend.

AWWWWWW

Ok people....how cute is that???



And that?

I am putting together a book for a few family members, so I spent much of this past weekend going through many many many many many pictures and then scanning and scanning and scanning and scanning....it was enough to make a girl eat too much leftover Halloween candy in her delirium.

It also brought back a lot of memories...lots of good ones....some bad....(mostly because I thought I was 50 lbs lighter than I was...or I had made a very bad hair decision).

It also made me think of what I might have done differently....it's too bad we don't figure it out until after our back to back counseling appointments with our kids....but I suppose it is never too late to start.

Houston.....we kinda have a problem on the Orbital

This is a quick sketch I just did from memory with a charcoal pencil, showing the results of my "Orbital MRI". Just kidding...I used a sharpie not a pencil...just kidding...Google images drew it for me....
The BLUE is the brain stem at the top of my spine...the GREEN is the tumor that sits on the brain stem at the top of my spine...and the little RED spots to the right and left of it are the "5th nerve". Therein lies the problem with my chin.

The 5th nerve branches off into several places and one of them is the chin.
It appears that the tumor on the top of my brain stem has been compressing this nerve for nigh on two years and it has finally waved the white flag and given up.

Here again....all my time spent worrying I could have spent...well there isn't a whole lot I can do, but I could have spent it doing something other than worrying.

I am also glad I know this because I can now say something to my kids like "That is my 5th nerve and you're on it!!!"

Ollie ollie oxen free (whatever)

Today I just want to give up...I want to stop getting treatment, stop driving to Seattle constantly, stop having scans, stop taking 20 pills before bed, stop unsuccessful IV pokes, blood draws, stop walking like a dork, stop struggling up stairs, stop shrinking inch by inch, stop wearing a wig, stop feeling useless,stop hearing the Dr say that I am not a textbook case when I want to be a textbook case,stop wondering if every ache or pain is cancer spreading or not.

I also want to stop having a numb spot on my chin which lead to an "orbital" MRI which is scheduled for Monday.I don't want to hear what the Dr has to say and I especially don't want to hear it if it's bad.

Am I cranky?....I suppose a little.

Chinny chin chin

I have recently found a numb spot on my chin. It feels weird...kinda like the last stages of a dental visit...not TOTALLY numb but not not-numb. For months I have avoided looking up my symptoms on line because that is a slippery slope I do not want to start sliding down...that slope is steep, rocky, and full of prickers!

So after looking my symptoms up online......I found that one of the causes of this, is metastatic breast cancer.....who knew? Well some people knew cuz someone had to post it.
So I called the Dr., and Naveed (Nurse extraordinaire) told me not to give it another thought. While admitting that the mind is a terrible thing, he told me that there were many reasons for this numb chin thing and there was no reason for me to stew about it....adding that looking symptoms up online is a bad bad idea.

For a split second I felt peace. It was great....it was refreshing...it was so quick.
I feel like I will never learn.

Before and after

Before my cancer diagnosis, my days were busy busy busy. There was, of course, normal house stuff like vacuuming, dusting, washing, drying, mopping, scrubbing, loading, unloading,stripping, re-making, buying, baking, feeding...etc.
Then there was horsing, scooping, watering, grooming,feeding again, lunging etc.
Then there was research, reading, asking, counseling...on raising a daughter with Asperger's Syndrome. Then there was the actual RAISING of the daughter with Asperger's. There were trips to the school...too many to count...countless hours emailing teachers, many meetings and many controversies.
Then there were friends and coffee and BS (Bible study) and a husband and a son, oil changes for the car, new underwear and socks without holes...and the list goes on.

My days look much different now. They are much less complicated...in fact they are downright slow most of the time....OK boring (you had to make me say it didn't you.
Not boring in the Cancer sense....(cancer is NEVER boring..especially in your head) but boring in the physical sense.

I have decided that since there is really nothing I can do about it, I will like my new life. One of the nice things about this new life is that I am almost ALWAYS available should I get a phone call inviting me for coffee or lunch...(hint hint)

Well the dog needs me now so I better go : )

There's wind in the air....huh?

October is here, bringing many new issues to life. Things like commercials with Christmas music in the background (really?) wishing that you could make a perfect apple pie with a flaky crust and not too runny...where are we having Thanksgiving...and wind.

I used to love the wind when I was a child....then I married and moved to a house in the middle of the woods on an island and I HATED the wind....currently the wind and I have an understanding....don't blow over 40mph and I won't freak out.

I don't think the wind likes our "deal" and it was trying to tell me so the other day in the Safeway parking lot. Somehow, the wind got it in it's head that it was going to blow my brand new wig off in front of everyone I know....but what the wind doesn't know is that I am too smart to fall for that and I used.......my hand!

Oh the wind was angry at that and the sides of my wig blew up and the back blew up and the bangs were everywhere but I fought the battle and won. I might have given it away tho' as I walked in the store and spent the next 5 minutes readjusting my hair.

I swear next time I am tying a string under my chin then wearing a big hat and sunglasses so no one knows it's me. Oh humility......you are good for me.

I love RBC's

This is me before my blood transfusion......



This is me after!!!

Earlier this week I went to the hospital, where they seated me in a recliner, inserted an IV, and gave me two units of blood....beautiful...glorious....wonderful red blood cells. Thank you healthy blood donor, you have changed my days..there is nothing as healing as the blood!

Up up and away

Yesterday my mom and I flew home from Chicago. We had a great time. Mom went to her 50th High School reunion and I sat at every one's house and ate their food. It was great.

The flight home is normally a little over 4 hours due to headwinds, but yesterdays flight seemed much shorter as I was attempting to save every life on that plane which kept me very busy.

It began when our fully loaded plane was speeding down the runway to rise effortlessly into the wild blue yonder with fluffy clouds and nothing but happiness.
Then my mom tapped my arm and directed me to look at the very well dressed man across the isle from me.....HE WAS READING A FLIGHT MANUAL....a very well worn flight manual that described all the gauges and how to turn the plane around....

After studying the manual for several minutes he pulled out another manual, this one written in another language and highlighted with pink highlighter.

After a small panic attack, which my mom found quite humorous, I began to plan how we were going to take him down should he try to hijack the plane. Several times during my planning session he got up to use the Loo which I decided was too many times because he was too young to have "those" issues.... and I decided that he was using that time to mix water with his eye drops and some aspirin to make the explosive device.

While mom was changing the disc in the DVD player I was scouting the plane for strong husky men...then I began to wonder what building we would be crashing into as I noticed he never looked at the landing portion of the manual.

Meanwhile everyone else on the plane was quiet and relaxed....they were either sleeping or reading while enjoying their complementary beverage. I wish I had been sleeping because clearly this was a total waste of what energy I had left.

After 5 episodes of Bleak house on the DVD player I only managed to remember 3 names and am afraid I will have to watch some of it again as I spent vital minutes deciding what to have written on my headstone.

Chicago

Believe it or not I am in Chicago. It was a gutsy move I must admit considering my anemic state.....but it's not like I walked here. I have done much sitting and visiting with fabulous Aunt's, Uncle, and cousins and it has been great. Oh I could fall asleep at any time but they are doing their best to keep me awake.

I will resume blog entries when I am home Monday.

Sometimes I am speechless

To understand this blog entry you will have to go back and read my entry about the dragonfly.

It's about 1:30 pm and I am in the check out line at Michael's craft store.
There is a older woman in front of me...she stood there with her back to me for a minute.... suddenly she turned around...."Do you need this dragonfly?" she asks....
"Yes I do" I reply as she hands me a dragonfly paper punch and turns back around.

I turned to tell my friend Traci who had just joined me in the line and when I turned back around she was gone. Maybe she went to the car, maybe she went to the bathroom....maybe..............

I am speechless.

Just glad to be here!

Life in a northern town.....hey ma ma ma ma ma

This is a picture of my little town, the day after my Dr's appointment, the day I am celebrating my birthday with my family and the the day that approximatley
10,452,873,591 motorcycles arrive here for the annual Oyster Run.
It is a sight to behold. I have always wanted to ride on a motorcycle. I did it once years and years and years ago...but I don't think I really appreciated it...I was too busy thinking of ground up flesh and head cracking.

I don't believe I would think that any more. I would think of flying and the wind in my hair...uhhh my face...and freedom from the unpleasantness of being another year closer to...eh uh cough cough 50...it would be a teeny tiny escape from cancer.
I think a motorcycle ride would be healing....I think it might kill cancer cells...I am now officially volunteering for medical testing based on this theory.
Zoom Zoom..........

Scan, poke, appointment, status, poke poke poke

Tomorrow I have another chest CT scan scheduled for 10 am. The doctor is again going to measure the fluid in my lung cavity to make sure the medicine is still working.
This is the fastest way to determine the drug's effectiveness evidently.

Then it is off to do lab work, then to talk to the Dr about the scan and the lab work, then into the Chemo room for a 90 minute IV that typically requires at least 3 attempts to stick that needle in my vein... but the record currently stands at 10....OUCH

What is real vs. what is true

I never was a hand raiser in class. I was always afraid I was going to misunderstand the question and then look like a dork...thus having no hope for a date for Homecoming or anything else for that matter.

But now that I am older and can boss others around I am going to ask you all to be hand raisers and tell me what you think.

I was thinking about what is real and what is true...I am not going to give any hints so here is your chance to share straight from your gut....
This is officially a DORK FREE ZONE so no holding back now.

Question #1 Physical pain. Is it real....true...both

Question #2 Emotional pain.....real....true....both

Question #3 Will my hair ever grow back on the top.....yes....no....maybe


Looking forward to your response : )

Conversations without talking

Today was a very good day. I am tired after being on the road for several hours but I am glad for the trip and what it did for me.
Thanks for caring...gotta go make dinner....ha ha...just teasing..

Today I had coffee (a very healing legume as it turns out)with a friend I first met when I was 10 years old. We lived next door to each other and I refuse to describe the performances we spent hours choreographing and singing so that we could gather all two of our mothers to sit and watch our fabulous 10 minute show....as far as we knew, we were destined for a life in the performing arts for sure.
Our adventures go beyond our dancing and singing skills but that's going down a rabbit trail that would probably incriminate one or the other of us (just kidding mom and dad).

When we met today, it was as if no time had passed..... I love those friendships. No one takes those years of silence and complete absence from each other's lives personally....it's awesome.

As we sipped our coffee we talked about all kinds of things, then she told me about how she ended up working for her current employer. It might sound boring to someone else but for me it was almost like I was having a conversation with someone else...but this conversation didn't involve any talking.

If you have read my previous blog, I have had a difficult time trying to figure out my place and purpose now that the family dynamic has changed....I have been forcing myself to come up with options...making myself take time to think about it, rolling it around and around....to no avail....I did learn something through this experience though....I learned this was a colossal waste of time.....

You see...all my girlfriend did was live her life and make herself available for this type of thing to happen. The job was delivered to her.

Now I may or may not be looking for work (if you are looking for someone on a very part-time basis....call me)...it may be something entirely different, but once again I am reminded that this life is not in my control....which if you think about it, is so great because God has so many more connections than I do and we all know that it's really all about WHO you know!

So goodie-gumdrops, Laurie gets to sit and wait some more....but I feel better about it now.

Where do I fit in.........

I have spent the last few days pondering a new question...maybe it is more of a thought....no, it's a question. My mind has phrased it in several ways such as.....
What am I supposed to do now? Am I parent or patient? Do my kids even need me around much? What am I accomplishing? Where do I fit?

A lot of things have changed around here and I now I don't know where to park myself anymore.

Monday Monday

For the past few weeks I have had a bit of knee pain...a few pains in my elbow and a little in my hip...all of this a result of trying to do what normal people do on a short family vacation 1. Walk around
2. Drive around
3. Go out to eat

So in an effort to feel better I have tried to lay low-ish....ice my knee...put my feet up, and things are looking better....in fact they are looking good enough that after all this laying around I would kind of like to do "something" today.

"Well then, what's your problem?" you ask...."go do something."

Ahhh, if only it were that simple. If I go somewhere adventurous like the grocery store, or somewhere quiet like the library....I run the risk of the dreaded "flare up". These "flares" also eliminate the stay at home options like laundry, vacuuming, and other cleaning tasks involving toilets.

But there is a glimmer of hope....as of yet I have had no pain in my jaw....making the phone a very tempting option.

Nine Eleven

There is no doubt that cancer is a painful, frightful thing.....but honestly, I can't imagine the pain and fear those in NY felt on that day.

OUCH!

During this "cancer" phase of my life I have tried hard not to complain....that is a very slippery slope leading to nothing but anger, frustration, abandonment, avoidance, fed-up-edness and call screening by all my friends and family.

So on this rare occasion I have to say, "OUCH..MY KNEE HURTS"

If any of you would like to start a vigil, or 3-day walk, or even just a quick prayer on your way to work (eyes open of course) I would be so humbly grateful and vow (*all vows are subject to change without notice) not to complain any more.

Thank you

Parents rejoice

SCHOOL GLORIOUS SCHOOL ! Enough said.