Quit your spasm

Overtaken by back spasms today. The kind where you need medical intervention upon which I am waiting.

See you tomorrow.

Flares

When I came across this picture I noticed the arrow pointing to the earth. It was so tiny. And then I thought about me somewhere on that little dot. WOW! Perspective...then I thought about Cindy-Lou Who, which was pretty random, and then I thought about an ant, and finally I thought about how off-track I was getting with my subject.

In the last two weeks I have been experiencing "flares". Flares happen when you have metastatic breast cancer and you start taking hormone blocker medication. The reason you take this medicine is that most breast cancers feed on estrogen and the goal is to cut off their food supply.
Tamoxafin is an example of a hormone blocker. I am not taking tamoxafin, but I am taking Faslodex which is also a hormone blocker.
Faslodex is a bit different in that it is an injection that is given in your hip....actually both hips. "It is thick and there is a lot of it" said the nurse who was injecting me last time. I am so glad she shared that very disconcerting information with me while my pants were down.

Flares can be scary. They often cause a great deal of pain. That is what I have been experiencing in the last two weeks. Pains that makes you lie in bed in the dark of night and imagine the worst case scenario.
Then as soon as I finished compiling my list of songs I wanted played at my memorial service, the pain was gone. Then two days later it was back...hence the "flare" reference. It actually flares....repeatedly..in the places where there is active cancer.
The reason for the flare is the medicine initially acts AS an estrogen and the tumors gobble it up which really makes those cancer cells active. Then the medicine changes into an anti-estrogen and grabs the throat of the cancer cell and chokes it off....we hope...if it's doing it's job.

And now I am kinda glad that I ran across this picture this morning. Cancer looks really different now with this new perspective. A pretty powerful picture if you ask me.

Thankful

I believe that no matter what your circumstances are, there is always something to be thankful for. Find what you are thankful for today and remember those things the rest of the year.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Never say Never Revised

"Never say never" is often times a great thing to say. It can be a good reminder that there is always hope. But in this case I am talking about the "Never Never Land"
where I currently reside. And I call it that because I never never
thought I would be in this place. Alone is one aspect...alone with kids is another..alone with kids and battling cancer is a whole different land. But today the land became a bit stranger. This morning my daughter received school behavioral discipline. In all of her years this has never happened.

But the good news is I have decided to call Peter Pan moving company and move out of Never Never Land to Chicken Littleville. They say the sky is falling there, but it really isn't so there is much less to be concerned about...then I will move to Hansel and Gretel's place for the holidays and then with a click of my heals I will be home again.....this time home will be a better place...I hope...I think it will...baby Jesus will be there then and things are always good when He is there.

Spine

I have developed a sensitive area on my spine. It is near where they did surgery over two years ago. Although I can't see my back, I can feel a significant bump there.

It has been really hard for me not to think about this....day and night....night and day...

Looking forward to an answer from the Dr. this week.

It's a hard climb

So I am not yet sure how I am going to put this blog together so bare with me if possible.
It is and has been my goal to face my diagnosis, my circumstances, my life, with a good attitude. In the last 5 or so months, that has become more of a challenge as my treatment and my daily life, and my kids lives have changed a great deal.

Initially, the attitude hill was steep but I could usually "hoof it" to the top and come up with a smile. Lately it's less of a "hoof" and more of a carabiner, harness, ascender, crampons, belay kind of a climb. "Hoofing" no longer applies unless you would like to hoof someone in the head if they cause your day to be more difficult than it already is. But that is not right so forget I said that. They have no idea how much your life sucks right now! OK, forget I said that too. That was not good. That isn't going to help anyone.

See, it's still early yet and I am only about 2/3 of the way up my rock slab of life today. I'll get there.

So if you are struggling, go slip on your crampons. Crampons, I said crampons...and I will try to help pull you up.

Windy

It was really windy last night. If you live anywhere north, south, east, or west of Seattle then you know what I mean. Do you have a wind story from last night? And if you live south of Seattle, you may even have an earthquake story as well.

Here is my wind story.....I slept. Now wait a minute, it is so a story. It's a story because I am usually scared to death of wind. Wind has a mind of it's own...kinda. So as it was the first windstorm I had to go through "alone", I had to somehow make friends with the wind in order to relax.

So what is good about the wind...well, it dries things out if they need drying, it scatters all sorts of seeds to bloom in the spring...it proliferates
forests.

pro·lif·er·ate   /prəˈlɪfəˌreɪt/
[pruh-lif-uh-reyt]

–verb (used without object), verb (used with object), -at·ed, -at·ing.
1. to grow or produce by multiplication of parts, as in budding or cell division, or by procreation.
2. to increase in number or spread rapidly and often excessively.

Homeschoolers, please use proliferate in a sentence. then you can go ask your mom what procreation means.

The other reason wind is good, is that it's a good reminder that we really don't have any control...that what happens on a day to day basis is not really up to us...if you really think about it...could you have stopped the wind last night? If you just answered "yes" to that question, please contact your local meteorologist so they can pass this information on to the world at large in order to stop tornadoes and hurricanes and the like...your knowledge would be greatly appreciated I am sure.
If not, like for me, it is a good reminder that our lives are not under our control.

Ok, never mind what I just said...I probably just slept because I hadn't slept well for the past few nights and I was exhauseted. Even still it would be a good idea to make friends with the one who tells the wind when and where to blow.

Sleepless

When you take the estrogen out of a woman's body there are many side effects. One of those is the inability to sleep.
I have been struggling with sleep for the past 5 months. I could break it all down for you and list each reason, or I could just say I haven't slept well due to my life. There that about covers it.

A new reason popped into my life last Friday night. I am taking a new medicine and during the initial course they must double the dose for the first few treatments so as to fool your liver. Friday afternoon I received my second round of the medication. The plan seemed to be on course until I feel asleep Friday night.

I had only been asleep a few minutes when I woke to horrible pain in my right leg. Every muscle from hip to foot was seized. Nothing, and I repeat nothing short of amputation appeared to help. It was at this moment that I fully regreted purchasing the ticking clock in my bedroom. Although it fits in well with the design of the room, it only served to remind me of every second I was in pain and unable to sleep.

There are many many many other reasons sleep escapes me...sadness creeps in at night, sadness for the kids and what they face each day. Weariness for me as I try to fight the cancer and it's effects, be both mom and as much of a dad as I can, especially for my son who lost his buddy. Be some sort of balance to Emily who's world shifted and therefore her attitude and vocabulary shifted.

All that to say "I NEED TO SLEEP". So if you will excuse me, I am going to take off my wig, slip my sleep cap back on, warm up the microwaveable heart I bought at Hallmark last Valentine's day (which by the way is very cute and functional), and try to find another hour of sleep.

Good day everyone.

You have to be nuts...

WARNING
THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN IN A FACILITY THAT ALSO CONTAINS PEANUTS AND OTHER TREE NUTS AND NUTS THAT ARE NOT REALLY NUTS BUT PEOPLE THAT ACT LIKE NUTS.
CONSUMERS: PLEASE READ THIS STATEMENT CAREFULLY.

Yesterday I had an appointment with a Nutritionist, which is a part of the new Dr's treatment plan. I have never had an appointment with a Nutritionist before so I had no idea what to expect.
While making my appointment with her, she explained that her office was located inside the hospital. As you may assume this caused my confidence in her to skyrocket.

After locating her office she invited me in. The office was dark but for one light hanging over the table...it felt a little like my eating habits were about to be interrogated.......and they were. While she shot question after question I began to wonder if I should confess to eating those two small dark chocolate Bliss squares before I left the house? Oooooohhhhh the guilt!

Upon questioning me she came to the conclusion that I was and am PROTEIN DEFICIENT.
With diagnosis in hand she began to explain to me that I am in need of 60grams of protein a day....how ever I can get it.

The next few minutes were filled with food and numbers. I knew I was never going to remember all of this when suddenly she pulled out a piece of paper that had everything written down, tailored to my need for protein.

Step 1: For breakfast...1 latte- 14 grams
1 piece of toast w/ 2T peanut butter- 7grams
I realized that with 2 TABLESPOONS of peanut butter on one slice of toast I was going to need the latte close at hand so as not to choke to death while trying not to succumb to protein deficiency.

I am trying to look forward to my new life of cottage cheese and Greek yogurt but if protein is going to help my body repair itself, then cottage cheese it is!

P.S. I know what you're thinking but all those Reeses peanut butter cups you just ate after Halloween don't count!

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMoustache

This morning was one of those mornings you want to somehow keep frozen in time. One of those moments you want to remember forever, one that changes the rest of time and eternity. Today my son shaved his moustache. Yes, I said his moustache.
He has been growing this dark line of facial hair for the past few months and today he came to me and asked to shave it for the first time! So off we went to the bathroom mirror and he took care of it like a pro...like he was a moustache specialist.....then he ran his finger over the top of his lip and said, "that feels so weird."
This is a day that a mom starts thinking about when her 5 year old son puts shaving cream on his face for the first time and then scrapes it off with a popsicle stick. He wants to be a man....and wow my son is really becoming a man...faster than he wants I am sure...but he is handling it with amazing strength.

So "Moustache Joe" here's to you and your future...and everytime you shave may you remember what an amazing young man you are!

Eeyore

"It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily.
"So it is."
"And freezing."
"Is it?"
"Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately."

Ohhhhhh I love Eeyore. He is real, he is honest, and he is a survivor. And he is right.....sometimes you find yourself in a position where the only thing you feel thankful for is that you haven't had a earthquake lately. It's true, there really are days like that.

So why do we have days like that? Why are there times when it seems like we are wearing a target on our back...and our front for that matter...and all things physical and emotional and financial and spiritual seem like they are just shooting at us? I think, and granted I have had a lot of radiation to my head, but I think we are allowed these "times" to learn life is not ours to control, and also to be grateful for what we have....for hot water for a shower and gas for the car and for the car for pity sake... and covers on our bed and food in the fridge...for neighbors who help, for health if we have it.

So I think Eeyore ROCKS! I think on the non-earthquake days we can at least think "I am so glad we haven't had an earthquake today"...maybe that will lead to bigger things and that may eventually lead you to Target to buy something fun instead of being the target...at least for one day... I'll try it if you will.

Change the atmosphere

In this cancer experience I am doing things I have never done before. Lots of those things are rather unpleasant. It seemed that after an unpleasant experience, I had an unpleasant attitude...and I felt crummy the rest of the day. Now, in my defense, if after 12 tries the nurse can't get an IV started,it would be natural for me to feel crummy...crummy to the point of crabby...which everyone knows leads to grumpy at the very least....then grumpy to teary and teary to the shower and the shower to pajamas and so on.

I don't like that. I don't like crummy or crabby or grumpy...I do like pajamas but who doesn't? So I have implemented a new plan....well it's not all that new....it's new-ish.... it's called being really really nice.
I find that when you walk in a room, and you start with the whole really really nice thing...the atmosphere in the room begins to change....things become less crummy and by the time it is over, crummy has turned to tolerable and maybe even doable or even semi-pleasant.
So next time you are facing an undesirable task be nice to everyone around you and you may be surprised by the outcome.
( disclaimer )This includes being nice to even those who are not nice to you.

It is a Wonderful Life

It's that time....do you feel it? I started Christmas shopping yesterday. The weather is officially changing, the clocks change tomorrow and our life seems to change with each day.

My son is all about family traditions during the holidays. That makes it tough on my "mommy" heart. We are making a few changes that seem like they will help. Joe has asked to take responsibility for the Christmas Tree so I have turned all things "tree" over to him. My daughter isn't quite as vocal about the traditions but she did make out her Christmas list...it just said "Pit bull"....hmmmm

As for me, I have been thinking about the movie "It's a Wonderful Life." It speaks to me this year more than ever before.

Laurie's movie review blog: This movie is about someone who is unhappy about the trials in his life. He is given the opportunity to see it from another perspective and he comes to realize that it was those very trials that made his life what it was.... a "Wonderful Life".

I see that happening all around me....I see that happening with me. Life doesn't always turn out the way we plan it....but in the trials our perspective changes. We begin to see what is really important in life...what makes our life a "Wonderful Life" despite our circumstances.

My heart and my perspective have changed a great deal. I am like George Bailey. I know now what I wish I had known all along..... It really is a "Wonderful Life".

Piles of leaves

I love the leaves this time of year. Our backyard is full of Alder trees and Maple trees. The leaves are beautiful.
I love the change of seasons, and because of that thought my mind went immediately to how life has seasons too.

If I were to describe my season, it would be some time in February....dark and blustery. You wonder if the rain will ever end. Then I thought a little more about it and realized that February prepares everything for March, April and May....when the sun comes out and the flowers grow and bloom.

So I guess that is how I will think as the days now get dark and stormy....we will talk about the weeds later so as not to ruin the mood.

Writers Block

Sorry............writer's block today.....among other things.

Thinking

WOW! Today's blog could go lots of directions....What do you think?... What do I think about it?... What were you thinking?!... What was I thinking?!... What made you think that?... What did you think was going to happen?

I'll tell you what I think...I think there is a lot to think about. Right now there are even things I don't want to think about. Not thinking about something is not always a good thing....It usually ends up with someone saying," You know, you really should have thought that through a little more."

Often times we think we are doing the right thing which is then followed by,"What in the world was I thinking?"

So now what do we do? I think.....we pray.

Bring on the rain

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