Sunrise Sunset

I saw this and thought it was such an amazing picture. It is a picture of both the moon above and the sun below. It was taken at the North Pole. Santa's a lucky guy to have a view like this.

What it really made me think of though, just one day can make such a difference.

You may wonder why you haven't heard from me much lately.
Welllllll, I have been dealing with some issues....I have thought a little about "this" and ALOT about "that". And again,despite all the pondering, I came to the conclusion that this is all out of my control.
Oh we may think we have it until something falls apart, or the ferries stop running, or your child is sick and the Dr's have done all they can, or that you are now 4 inches shorter and insist that you can still reach the dinner plates without using a stool. I really like my stool though. My grandpa needle pointed it for me. He was a surgeon. I really miss him.

All that to say that someone is in control but it ain't me. So I added a few vitamins to my day and decided to choose life....for 5 minutes at a time....and enjoy every minute of it.

New Year..time for those resolutions

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Happy 19th

Happy 3 days after Christmas and Happy Birthday to my 19yr old daughter...Wait! Did I just say 19?! Wow.
Dearest daughter of mine, I wish you wonderful things for this year to come. Life can be both exciting and scary at 19, but you are surrounded by those who love you and will help in any way they can.

That being said, please pick up all your stuff and put it in your room. Just kidding. You can do that later after you clean the kitchen. Still kidding. Today is your day so sleep to your heart's content. Be sure you wake up later for some cake.

Love,
Mom

Night before Christmas

It was the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Sat the mom, son and daughter, but the house had no spouse.

The children had purchased and wrapped all their gifts,
but the mom said she wasn't quite done with her list.

She busily wrapped all the gifts she had bought,
There is still one gift left, so she thought and she thought,

"This gift I can't wrap up with paper and bow,
It's the sort of gift that just has to show."

"This gift is the love that was given to me,
Not something I earned, it was actually free."

Free Christmas gifts you don't have to buy,
Are actually to me the very best kind.

So without boxes or paper or tags,
I am sending to you, all the love that I have.

The love I am sending ,you can have for yourself,
turn around it's probably sitting right there on your shelf.

The stars in the sky look down where he lay,
The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay.

The mention of hay makes me long for my horse,
But I can't find a rhyme for that one of course.

So I will stop blogging and get out of here,
Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year.

The watched pot

I am wondering if I should just apologize up front for the lameness of this blog. I mean it's true and everything but certainly not my best work...or maybe it will be...so I will just forge ahead.

I think to myself, "I would like a cup of tea." So I grab the teapot and fill it with water, turn on the burner and set it on the stove. Then I sit and wait. Within a minute or two I'm thinking, "Good grief this is taking a long time." Next comes, "Maybe the stove isn't working right." "I bet that burner isn't hot enough." "Holy cow! This is taking entirely too long for me." "How long am I going to have to sit here and wait?"
Then the thought comes, "Who said you had to sit there?" "Well, I guess I did" my inside voice says. "Why?" "Well, I really wanted this, so I thought if I waited right there and focused on it, it would happen faster. I guess I am a little desperate for some tea."
Then the thought said, "It will happen but not any faster than it would if you weren't sitting there staring at it and getting all snarky about it.
Go and do something, and before you know it you'll hear the whistle and it will be tea time."

The End

When life looks like this

The desert. Not such a great place. Not much happens there. Often there is no reprieve from the "nothing".

REPRIEVE:
re·prieve   /rɪˈpriv/
[ri-preev]
verb, -prieved, -priev·ing, noun
any respite or temporary relief. (HS kids....please find a way to reprieve your mom today)

Life may never lead us into an actual desert, but there are often desert times in our lives. A series of nothings when we are waiting for answers....a long dry spell when we are just asking for a small drink....a promise made that seems like it is taking too long to arrive.
I know a few people in the dessert right now...Let's see, I'll just pick one of them at random...uhhh...Ok, got it! ME.

So what to do when you're in the desert. Well if I were Bear Grylls I would "P" on my bandanna and wrap it around my head. I don't think that will help me right now.

I suppose the best thing to do when you are in the desert is to keep walking. C'mon...what else is there to do? The oasis is out there....we just can't see it yet. And when you finally get there, you can make a sand candle to remember your trip.
Ok, so are you ready? Let's start with our right foot and step...step...step..
I think they call it faith...yup, that's what they call it...belief in what you can't see.....yet.

The Explosion

Meatloaf. It's delicious and easy to make and it is one item that both my kids like. "I think I will make meatloaf" I said to myself last night. Little did I know that within 40 minutes of that decision my oven would explode.

I learned a few things through this experience. I learned that if thoroughly cooked, meatloaf is still good after an internal oven explosion. I also learned that no one can usually come out right away to help you diagnose and repair said oven.
I learned that it is good to have someone in the room with you when the oven explodes to keep you from freaking out. And I learned that Split Pea and Ham soup from a dear friend can make the exploding oven a positive experience.
Here's to Victory. What was meant to bum me out only brought me goodness.

On a happier note.....

On a happier note, I am going to try and make those cupcakes you see below....just because I think they are cute....and it's not depressing, and my kids will like them, and I am going to be ok even if everything feels upside down.

Upside down Christmas

Christmas this year looks upside down. There doesn't seem to be the same level of excitement about much of anything. Nothing about Christmas this year will look the same other than the tree, and even that is difficult as we hang the ornaments that have so many stories behind them. There will only be 2 stockings and that will be weird.

Maybe I'll just wrap a bunch of empty boxes just for looks....ouch...maybe not..
Well, I am doing my best with cookies and as many smiles as I can give, and again I think of "It's a Wonderful Life" and how you really don't know what you got until it isn't there anymore. That is one awfully big empty box under my tree.

cookies

It seems that every year I am overwhelmed with the desire to bake a whole bunch of Christmas cookies. It never seems to happen though. I may get a batch or two made but then the time is gone and so are the cookies.
Today however, I am going to make Christmas cookies. They may not be perfect or completely homemade...but there will be cookies, lots of cookies, on a plate when my kids get home from school.

I am feeling a bit better today than I have been. I gotta grab on to these days and goooooooooooooooooo get as much done as I can. Dad-gum-it there is going to be some joy in my house whether anyone wants it or not! The kitchen will be clean and the clothes will be folded...I think....and there will be the smell of cookies in the air and everyone will like it. And I am just talking to myself now aren't I?!
Well then so be it. I am off to buy some eggs and things. And when they ask me if I want "paper or plastic" I am going to answer them with "I'll take Joy" at which time they may send someone to get me dish washing soap, but I won't care.

Wish list

Wow! I was just reviewing the Christmas list my kids gave me a few weeks ago. I haven't really given much thought to mine yet so I sat down with a pen and some paper a few minutes ago and began to think. The odd thing was that none of the things I thought of could be stuck into a box and wrapped.
This is already going to be a very different Christmas without "Dad" here to celebrate...and I wouldn't care a bit if I didn't get a single gift under the tree this year. This time around it is just going to be good celebrating what we already have.... this is a big change from last year but life has changed a great deal since then.
My wish list will be almost complete just waking up and being with my kids on Christmas day.

The kids on the other hand, really want me to make cookies....so I gotta go.

Back on the road

I am back on the road again today. This time I am off to see the Radiological Oncologist about treatment for my spine and two of my ribs.

There are a few issues at hand on this trip. First off, will I have time to stop and get a single tall nonfat gingerbread latte with half the flavor before I hit the road? Second, have these spots been radiated before? If they have, then it is my understanding that they can't be radiated a second time. Third, if they have not, then would it be best to use standard radiation as opposed to a more targeted version? If that is the case then another appointment is made at another hospital to see another Dr. who does that. Then the Dr. decides how long the treatment will be and off we go.

On the other hand, if these spots have been treated before it looks like Chemo is next on the list. Dr. Lee and I haven't had a chance to discuss this really...it seems like something else is always coming up.

So another day to be faced and a few more choices to make,
So many times I've sat and wondered how much longer this will take.
Again I will try to focus on the good along the way....and I won't have time to get my coffee if I don't get on with it.....(sorry I didn't have time to rhyme the last line.)

What's in a name?

Beauty lies in the true story. I like that. I believe that. The truth is beautiful.
I find that a lot of people don't like the truth. I know I don't like it when the Dr. tells me the cancer is progressing, or I have to start new unpleasant treatment or my less than great test results came in. It makes life harder....but it also makes life better. When we have truth we can begin to heal. It's real...it's what "is".

I want to live a life that is true. I want to always tell you a truthful story, no matter how many times I am tempted not to. The story has no value without truth.

Sorry I have dropped by again with less humor than normal...but....
"I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An Elephant's word 100%"-Horton the Elephant-

Extra Extra Thanks

I just wanted to add an extra special thanks to my parents...who normally wear a lot more clothes than this but are and have been amazing in coming to my aid night or day....rain or wind...busy or not...they are there.

Thank you mom and dad for your angelic level of being there for me.

The whirlwind

Where am I? What time is it? Is it Friday still? The last few days have been a total whirlwind...hence the picture above. I think it all started last Monday with some muscle spasms in my back. These were not your typical spasm these were the vicious variety....the kind that bite into your muscle and don't let go easily. I had a Dr.'s appointment scheduled that day and was hoping to find relief there.

On the contrary...the pain intensified to the point I was ready to walk out in the middle of my treatment. In addition it took over 3 nurses and 12 "pokes" to get an IV started for me.

Later that night the pain was so bad I woke a friend out of bed to request a ride to the Emergency Room. Those kinds of friends are truly more than friends...they are angles.

In the ER they took an x-ray of my spine and noticed a large compression fracture that was most likely the cause of this pain.
To quell the pain the Dr. prescribed a few things....First came the Ativan to relax the muscle...just a small-ish dose. Then there was the Dilaudid for pain...then a Valium injection and then to top it off, a small-ish dose of Percocet.

Holy COW!!!!!!! I don't remember much after that.

When that didn't help I contacted my favorite, most wonderful Dr. I think I've mentioned him...Dr. Lee. This phone call led to steroids and an MRI scan ASAP.
After the scan was the appointment with said Dr., a injection in my stomach, a CT scan and a chest x-ray...which lead to another appointment with another Dr. to discuss Vascular Spine things, and the realization that there are 3 areas of concern he felt needed radiation treatment....two ribs and a vertebrae. This lead to an appointment with the Radiological Oncologist on Tuesday.....which after the pie tipped over a little in the car brings me to right now.

So with the temporary help of some steroids and pain pills I will push in to next week and see where that takes me.

Maybe tomorrow I will talk about the whole breaking up and then making up with your favorite Dr. Have I mentioned how great he is?
I will also be discussing what the house looked like when I got home after 1 night away. Good thing I still have a few Ativan left.

Fracture

Let me just start out by saying that this is not an x-ray of my spine. It looks very painful I must say. However, I did find out two days ago that I do have a fracture in my spine. A compression fracture and it is not pleasant. It has been very very unpleasant actually.

Today I am going to have a MRI done of my spine. This may lead to other treatment.
I really wish I could come up with something "witty" to say...but for the most part I am just happy to be able to walk to my kitchen, make some coffee, sit at my computer and write to you. Really, I really am grateful for that.