Life moves on

It's so strange to have life still moving forward without me. Chad's birthday is Monday and I can't shop for a gift or make the day stand out in any way. Schedules are changing at school and it's parent teacher conferences again.....I feel so "removed" from the everyday.....another totally surreal experience for this mom.

The tearing takes place every morning when I wake up here and know that my kids are off to school without my kiss goodbye or" have a great day" or making sure Joe has the lunch he wants or their hair is brushed or there is money in the lunch acct or all the permission slips are signed or they aren't being teased or homework is done and packed safely in backpacks......

Then again when they arrive home and there is no "how was school" or stories of recess successes or classes that are just too hard or funny stories the teacher told or "what's for snack"

How is not having mom affecting them? If God climbs in with me at night I am sure He climbs in with them too.....

And Chad....it's been good for them to go to their dad....good I say as I struggle with feeling less necessary that I thot. Good for Chad to be more necessary....
Am I catching myself being thankful again? How can that be?

Round two bell rings

Today on Dr Phil.....Laurie is taking too many things at once.....can she handle it? Has the no estrogen shot thrown her over the edge? Let's watch and see..........

Ok so by my rough calculations here are the basics:
Neurosurgery to remove tumor and half of vertebrae....RX steroids and pain medication
Steroids destroy the lining of your stomach......RX strength antacids to prevent stomach perforation... delicate balance of diet to prevent "you know what" from the narcotic pain killers...Imodium to prevent the opposite problem...calcium supplement given by IV to rebuild bone...no estrogen shot given to shut "that" all down...hormone tablets taken daily to destroy existing tumors and prevent further growth of new ones...toxic radiation shot at me daily over multiple sights breaking down tumors and red blood cells to boot...toxic radiation causing nausea......RX anti nausea medicine...hot flashes, mood swings etc as a result of the no estrogen shots....RX anti depressants to cover all of those

I was wondering when I was going to arrive at the line in the sand. I believe I have found it....I think I heard the bell for round 2 today.....now we start the fight.....the proverbial bruises...the occasional blow to the head.....I'm not ready but DING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bye bye moisture...hello dry everything!

One quick shot in the stomach and there you are! No more estrogen....see you in two weeks....this whole thing is so weird...I am trying so hard to just keep up with everything mentally, emotionally.

I guess the no more estrogen shot is the ticket. It means no more food for the tumors and thus no more tumors....one shot in the stomach...ok...in three months I do it again. I am going to need some good hand lotion, maybe some good chap stick.

The Dr was happy today. He was glad I took the shot, glad I have treatment underway at the end of the hall with the Thomas Kincade puzzles, glad the vertebrae is healing, glad that he can now put me on the best hormone therapy out there, glad I am getting off the steroids, just generally glad....it's good when the Dr is glad.

So I walked down the very long hall, out into the grey drizzle,got in the car with a very dear friend and headed back to my Bed and Breakfast Infirmary.

We had strawberries and sandwiches and a wonderful visit and then she left...Then I was glad. Glad for the friend, glad for the ride home, glad for the strawberries, glad that she cared enough to do what she did, glad that treatment was over for the day.

The Dr said that he was on call all weekend and that he would be glad to talk to me anytime....I think I may just call him....when the no-estrogen shot kicks in!!!

Waaaaaaaaa

Well this is me today. The radiologist office is at the end of a long hallway, which is at the end of a long ramp, which is at the end of a all too familiar drive to NW Hospital.

I stood there in the hallway, took a deep breathe and held back the tears. I held them back again when the gal at the front desk greeted me by name and told me there was no reason to check in anymore....that I could just go "right back". I thought then I wish they didn't know my name.

I held them back again as my mom greeted the other patients who were there doing the ever present puzzle that waits on the table to pass the time. She is getting to know each of them that have appointments right before and after me. I never liked Thomas Kincade puzzles!

I held them back again as my incision met the table....buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, light on, light off, buzz again, move up, move down, rotate, buzzzzzzzz, film in, flash, dark.

My back protests sitting up....it's over...see you tomorrow at the end of the long hallway near the puzzle.....but I didn't have to hold them back anymore. Waaaaaaaaaaa all the way home, and then at home, and then again after dinner, and most likely again when the lights go out tonight.

Never thought it would feel good to be a cry baby....but baby, I am going to cry!!

Held

"This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held."

Those are some lyrics to my friend Natalie's song Held. You can listen to it or watch the video at www.nataliegrant.com

Today I was held...held on the table when I wanted to run, held in good spirits when I wanted to cry, held up by all of you as I sit seemingly alone at my parent's house. Not very many people get to experience being "held"...you could say that I am one of the lucky ones. There is a very soft blue pillow on the left side of my bed now, and later when He climbs in, I will thank Him for holding me and for how He has whispered to you the ways you have held me too.

Sick AND tired

"Treatment, meet Laurie....Laurie, meet Treatment" Hey there, this should be ok huh? I mean after all you are supposed to be my ticket out of this mess right? Treatment?

The table is hard and my incision still isn't quite healed from where the back half of the vertebrae was removed. Contact!!! Next the mask and the tip of my nose is tweaked a little to the left. Today's visit is supposed to be the shortest one yet so I pick my battles and decided not to pick my nose as one of them. I brought my own music....good decision...my new routine for the next 4 weeks is.....uhhh, not starting. More x-rays, more felt pen, more tape, more film, tape, pen, film...now my CD is over and What is going on here????!!!!

PAIN IN BACK!!! Pain in incision and pain inside where the hope-ish shaped spot was a bit ago.

1.5 hours of holding as still as possible. MAD! Oops not mad...cannot be mad...mad doesn't heal...I find two little red lights on the ceiling and stare at them as I listen to My Eyes Adored You. Kinda creepy...."CAN I GO HOME NOW?" my brain yells very loudly! Treatment....about 5 minutes of actual treatment. That is all I got today.

The car is halfway home and the window is down...air...I feel something...fear? Is it the radiation? Am I just hot? SICK! That's it...I feel SICK!!! Inside out sick.

Home now, sick, mad, tired, mad mad mad. Ok so I am mad...I was supposed to feel better, shrink tumors, get off pain meds, NOT GIVE UP, NOT GIVE UP, NOT GIVE UP...
I really really want to give up.
Another brown bottle from Walgreen's to keep me from running away, because this kind of sick everyday is going to make me want to run. This one is to prevent inside out sick.

Tomorrow I go again...toward the light, health, hope family, faith, healing, humor a 2nd CD and the rustling of a radiation room full of angles...standing room only kind of full...and a bowl for the ride home, which hopefully I will only use to carry the hope-ish shaped spot that I can put back where it belongs very soon.

Under there....under wear?

The radiation mask goes on AGAIN! This time , for the first time, I find a little courage and ask how long I will have to wear it....a dangerous question because sometimes it is better not to know...you can just keep telling yourself it is coming off any second.

10 minutes. That's the answer. Ten minutes. I am sure it is the long ten minutes too. The rest of the work they have to do is lower on my body so they don't need my head to hold still. On goes the mask and up goes the heart rate..."breathe in for 4 and out for 4" I repeat. Enough of these 4's will add up to enough 60's to make 10 minutes.

Someone strokes my arm. Measurements and angles are verbally tossed over me and transferred to bits of tape that are then gently pushed against the mask where the beams will aim and shoot...now I know....the cancer is there, and there, and there too. I cant cry in the mask. I start to hum to myself so as not to overhear words like "big" or any number above 1.

The mask finally comes off, the gown comes up and the new undies from JC Penny are revealed. The purple pen starts somewhere near my belly button and then she draws lines and x's. "This one," she says "we will shoot from here." Then she moves down. More bits of tape are documented with precision and stuck straight to my underwear. This hip, that hip, they roll me at a bit of an angle and stick on more tape.
"FILMING" someone shouts and they all move quick. I am alone in the room and there is a huge flash of light then dark then the burning smell of metal and then the overhead speakers continue their musical rendition of Smile Though Your Heart is Breaking. The click of shoes on the floor again and it's over. They help me up and off the table. One hour later as I dress to leave the hospital, I peel the little bits of tape off my JC Penny undies and cry.