Is it still ok to cry?

Yesterday I cried....I cried a lot actually....I cried because I can't work in my garden or ride my horse...I can't sit in the boat on fishing trips..my kids argue ALL the time..my knee really hurts...my husband wants me to be healthy again and, well, everyone knows that's out of my hands...

I cried because the hair on the top of my head is growing exponentially slower then the hair on the back and sides (that's THE back and THE sides, not my back and sides...just in case you were reading really fast and misread that line) and it looks really weird....

I also cried because my next scan is in two days and frankly I am a bit ready to run away from home and live in denial....someplace where it is always 75* and there is a slight breeze and everyone is kind and your hair grows all at the same speed..and food has no calories...oh wait, that's Heaven....well something close to that.

Being human is hard....fighting my nature is hard...learning lessons is hard...
excuse me while I go take care of these bags under my eyes...(I hear Prep. H works wonders)

Vitamin update and I still have so much to learn

These are the vitamins I take now. Upon actually reading something about it, I learned that calcium and vitamin D are much more important than I thought. The other is a multi-vitamin that comes in a powder form as I tend to "reverse digest" the regular vitamins. If you're not good at keeping vitamins down, I would totally recommend this version.

So I have only been doing this for 2 days but I think it is actually helping. My vitamin D levels were very low (19 for those of you in the know) so I have much pill swallowing in my future.

Now......I spent all morning trying to find a way to take the above picture and post it here. Trouble was first I couldn't find the cable for my small digital camera...I don't say this lightly as I turned rooms upside down and mumbled unkind things under my breath.

So I moved on to the older camera that uses floppy discs and discovered the battery was dead. As opposed to hurling it into the woods like I wanted, I decided to charge the battery only to discover I had no idea where the battery charger was. So after crying a little, I took baby steps up the stairs to hunt this thing down.

Somewhere amidst the tangle of cords that have been so carefully shoved into the drawer I found it...so I popped the battery in to charge and took off to buy floppy discs.

At my local Rite Aid I think I found the last existing box of floppy discs and a fabulous deal on mascara...one that provides both volume AND length!

Feeling a little less frustrated, I headed home to take my picture only to have the camera start beeping at me and flashing "disc protect" on the screen. The tears began to flow again as I muttered, "I just want to take one picture...is that asking too much?"...which then turned into "you better find some protection you #$%& disc!"

After a deep breath and a little unused logic I figured out that the little square dealy on the disc needed to be moved over....then all was suddenly right with the world until I took a very brief look at myself..... and realized that I had totally over-reacted (you think?) and that I should be soooooo past this kind of behavior after all I have been through.

This is so much tougher than I thought....but I think I can still say that I am willing to fight against it.....and fight for it....the lessons that is.

Ready....set.....go?

My biggest struggle these past 2-3 weeks has been fatigue. I have come to dread things like...getting dressed....walking to the other room...turning off the light switch...picking up my feet when I walk...that kind of stuff.

I know this is all part of cancer treatment but today is different, today I am going to TAKE A VITAMIN! I am going to take that vitamin and then take a nap....and when I wake up I am going to feel..uhh...I will let you know.

There's no crying in fishing!

I just walked in the door not 5 minutes ago from fishing with my son and husband. It was a beautiful night on the lake, bugs and birds and lapping water and the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz of the reel and junk like that...Joe caught 2 fish and it was a nice time. Until.............until we got back to the shore and I couldn't get out of the boat. My legs are so weak and my knees hurt terribly when I tried to kneel in the bow, and I tried to find a position that would allow me to swing one of my legs over the side but I couldn't do it without a lot of pain.

So with a straight face I just DID IT....I didn't want them to know how bad it hurt and I didn't want them to see just how mad I was at this stupid cancer....and I just wanted to scream obscenities. Joe had already asked me once today if I was going to survive....I said, "when was the last time you saw your mother give up?" and he said, "Never".....I couldn't let the kid down.

After climbing into the truck I looked out the window to hide my face and I cried....the teary kind...the kind where water streams from your eyes but you don't make a sound. There may be no crying in fishing but there is certainly crying in cancer.

Waiting

Waiting never seems to get any easier...there is the short traumatic wait, like finding out that the line to the restroom is longer than you expected.....or waiting for the plus or minus sign on your EPT....or whether or not she says "yes".

Then there are the longer waits....gestation....retirement...summer vacation....

Then in a class all their own are the medical waits...there are a lot of those....waiting for the apt...waiting for the Dr..waiting for the test results...pathology report...treatment plan...remission....

You can't change the waiting part...so what to do while you wait?....I am doing a paint by number and alternately reading 4 books...I tried to throw in a cross stitch and some decoupage but I found that was too much.
I think what I would like to learn is how to be quiet....not to shut-up mind you but to be able to be quiet head to toe....so far I have only reached that state through the sleep process...the girls in my head are often too loud during waking hours....they are always buzzing about hospital bills and filling bird feeders, what's for dinner and will I have to have chemo next month...

I will try and talk to them today and see if they can pipe down long enough for me to be quite for 1 minute...that's my goal today...it's good to have goals.....

Happy Fourth!!!

I am so thankful to be here to celebrate another 4th!
This may seem like a short post but that first sentence says paragraphs.

This just in....coffee may help heal cancer

Actually I have no idea if that is true, but here is what I know.....lately I have been able to meet friends for coffee...it's a great opportunity to go somewhere else and sit. It's also a great diversion from cancer thoughts, which I know don't help me.

Depending on who I am with, and whether or not there has been a recent crisis, I find that we tend to laugh quite a bit. So here is how the coffee contributes to the healing process....

Coffee brings us together....being together promotes laughter...laughter produces dopamine, increased blood flow, reduces stress, increases immunoglobulins...increasing killer T-cells...

So I think it is safe to assume that coffee may actually help heal cancer....anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.