It's all about the Rice Krispies

Well I am writing when I can…..I struggled with how I am going to say this because I didn’t want to sound like I was complaining…..sick is now the operative word. The only thing I can do now is just concentrate on the number of days I have left. Two more days this week and 5 next week. But it’s hour to hour now. It’s all about the Rice Krispies.

Brick wall

All in all it's just another brick in the wall.......the wall I hit Monday....like a cartoon character where it leaves the indent of your face.....that was me.....

Nausea, fatigue, you name it and I was feeling it.....then I cried....and cried some more....and a little more for good measure...because I did not NOT NOT NOT want to go back again. But then I ask myself what choice I have and I don’t have one really so there you go. Hence the tears.

Then I slept...no, then I slipped into and comatose/denial like sleep from somewhere around 4 to somewhere around 10....and I woke up and it was dark and I was still feeling sick and it was just plain awful.

Then somewhere in the middle of the night....when I was far enough away from the treatment, I began to feel better. By morning I ate one of those 1,000 calorie Costco muffins (yum) and drank G2 and was thankful AGAIN for all the thousands of prayers that float skyward so that I could get up and go this morning.

After treatment the Dr wanted to see me so I slipped into the exam room and we sat and talked about "medical management" of the symptoms.....then I found out that I was the FIRST patient that he had ever treated 4 "fields" on. And that he knew from the beginning that it was going to be a rough go. Then Shannon, who is helping with the !@#$ Thomas Kincade puzzle, said that I was a trailblazer not a guinea pig......not so sure....
8 more sessions!

Mary had a little lamb....la la la la la

New x's and arrows have brought on new issues....there is more in me than bone and it seems like it's been "hit" ....my stomach that is.....

One of the sites that they are radiating is the surgical site on my back that had the tumor that was pressing....it's about equal to my stomach in placement and they zap it from the front and they zap it from the back....and I think they zapped a little more than the bone the past few times....good grief....

It was Dr day again yesterday....this time it was the neurosurgeon....remember I told you I wasn't going to ask any questions? Well I didn't! Sadly tho, he volunteered some info that freaked me out.....is still freaking me out.....too much too much too much ........there is a tumor on the rt side of my skull....last year it began to make a small bump on my head.....who knew? Well the concern is that it was expanding inwardly as well and they don't want it to put pressure on the brain. AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! La la la la la....Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb.......

The hormone therapy is supposed to make it shrink......the little pill that I take each day that sucks the estrogen from my body is supposed to suck the life out of this as well. How does one not obsess over it now?
I ended my email the other day with whom shall I fear? Well, if you ask "Laurie" Laurie, she would say information.... so I am working on that.....not reacting to the information but responding to "the truth".

I'm melting!!!!!!!!

So.....it was Dr day today....Dr Landis, the radiologist who doesn't look or sound a day over 19....after my treatment I was nestled into a exam room and waited. We did our typical review of pain medication and how was I feeling etc....then......against my "normal"....I asked another question. I told him that everyone had said that I was shorter.....he chuckled, flipped to the back of my chart and there in about 8 different colors was my spine and the outlines of the tumors.....all he wanted to do was look at the disc space and compaction etc...but there I sat staring at the very thing I didn't want to see............tumors..............I couldn't blink or close my eyes....it was no good.

There were red places and yellow places and white, and blue and green and I didn't know what any of that meant and I didn't want to know....but outlined in red were the tumors....only the ones that were on this 8.5x11 piece of paper in the file....but isn't that enough? The one that required the surgery was larger than......than I am comfortable with....I still can't process the thought of it very well even tonight.

As I stared at the page Dr. Landis began pointing out disc space and vertebrae stacking etc....he said that I wouldn't "grow" again but that the bone building medicine that they were giving me would prevent me from getting any shorter. Stinkin' tumors! They really messed me up today.

Tomorrow marks halfway through treatment. I see the neurosurgeon tomorrow....I am NOT going to ask any questions......denial sounds good right now....too much self improvement for one day I think. Dang these life lessons.

Reflection

I saw myself today.....it was bizarre and totally unexpected......I was laying on the radiation table, a Plexiglas square is slid in front of the lens of the machine and the button is pushed. The table I am on slides down...my eyes are uncharacteristically open and I see myself....like a Lifetime movie of the week.....no denial....X's lines arrows and circles marking "treatment" areas reflecting back at me.....for now there is no drifting off with the music, I don't even think I remember hearing the music at that point. RADIATION was all I thought....

Then I closed my eyes, not to avoid seeing myself but to sit with it for a minute and see if I could finally see it differently.....to see it helping me , fighting with me against these tumors, an ally......I think I may be getting there......slowly.

About 1/3 of the puzzle is done.....it's day 7...whom shall I fear?

Foods that heal

Foods that heal............sure I am eating fresh fruits and veggies...a lot more now sadly, but then there are the real foods that heal.....yesterday's foods that heal were a Marion berry scone from Penguin coffee in Anacortes...and for lunch, an Oriental Chicken Salad from Applebee's pick up. These were truly foods that heal. Oh ya there are more.....the pecan pie that Sue took to Chad for his birthday when I couldn't be there to do it....and the casserole they ate for dinner last night....and the cake Chad's mom made for him.... the $5 Em got for lunch yesterday when she ran out of lunch money.....all foods that heal in my book!

It's almost 7am and my stummy is now feeling the need for some foods that heal after all this.....thanks you guys that I am not going "hungry"....thank you thank you thank you!

Good versus evil

It's 3ish and it hurts. Usually the pain pills I take before I go to sleep cover me through the night but for some reason tonight they haven't done their job quite as well. So do I cry because it hurts, which is what I would like to do, or do I take another pill, which I really don't want to do? I guess I will decide here when I am done.

The first few hours of sleep each night I am finding , are a battle subconsciously. It's very strange the dreams I have in those first few hours. They are always survival.......as if my body needs to remind itself that it is really fighting for it's life each night. Like my brain is saying "just because you watched Extreme Home Makeover' tonight before you went to bed doesn't mean nothings wrong you silly girl. Here let me remind you that this is a battle.....

So the forces of good and evil do their thing in and around me.....then, just like at the hospital when I didn't want to hear the "bad news" being told to me over and over again, I just close my eyes and try to fall asleep as fast as humanly possible.

I think sometimes, that if I listened close enough, I could hear the clanging of swords, and the whoosh of angles wings, but I really don't listen on purpose because I really feel like I might hear it and then what do I do? It should comfort me I would think or would it scare me? I really don't know.

So the battle goes.....I have decided to take another pill and let tomorrow, or this morning, arrive without hurt. That I suppose is something I can do for myself.
Thank you for being in the battle with me.