The radiation mask goes on AGAIN! This time , for the first time, I find a little courage and ask how long I will have to wear it....a dangerous question because sometimes it is better not to know...you can just keep telling yourself it is coming off any second.
10 minutes. That's the answer. Ten minutes. I am sure it is the long ten minutes too. The rest of the work they have to do is lower on my body so they don't need my head to hold still. On goes the mask and up goes the heart rate..."breathe in for 4 and out for 4" I repeat. Enough of these 4's will add up to enough 60's to make 10 minutes.
Someone strokes my arm. Measurements and angles are verbally tossed over me and transferred to bits of tape that are then gently pushed against the mask where the beams will aim and shoot...now I know....the cancer is there, and there, and there too. I cant cry in the mask. I start to hum to myself so as not to overhear words like "big" or any number above 1.
The mask finally comes off, the gown comes up and the new undies from JC Penny are revealed. The purple pen starts somewhere near my belly button and then she draws lines and x's. "This one," she says "we will shoot from here." Then she moves down. More bits of tape are documented with precision and stuck straight to my underwear. This hip, that hip, they roll me at a bit of an angle and stick on more tape.
"FILMING" someone shouts and they all move quick. I am alone in the room and there is a huge flash of light then dark then the burning smell of metal and then the overhead speakers continue their musical rendition of Smile Though Your Heart is Breaking. The click of shoes on the floor again and it's over. They help me up and off the table. One hour later as I dress to leave the hospital, I peel the little bits of tape off my JC Penny undies and cry.
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