Perfect fit

This is not a picture of me but necessary for my blog today. I have been pondering this one for a while and I think I am finally ready to spew it out.

I can't say specifically what part of this experience has had the most impact on me, but I can say that the radiation treatment has been the most metaphoric. It is when I am on that table that I feel "spoken to" the most. The most recent was last week.

Each radiation mask is individually molded to fit YOUR face. It starts as a blank and they heat it up and stretch it over your face making sure it has contact with every part of your skin...eyes, nose, lips, chin...unless you have an evil twin...no other mask will fit you. Then they place the markings on the mask where the radiation needs to be directed and how much.

So it all started when I laid down on the radiation table last week and they started to put on my mask. For some odd reason (oops maybe I lied too much and my nose grew..I just thot of that...dang) anyway, for some reason it wasn't fitting right. I squiggled around on the table trying to wedge my nose in the nose spot and my chin in the chin spot but it just wasn't happening.

So with the milli-nano space where my lips were, I slurred out "I think this is someone else's mask" I mean Laurie is a pretty common name and there is bound to be another Laurie with tumors in her skull right? So they quickly unlocked the mask from the table and double checked. It was then that the speaking started.

From the time I was a young girl I felt I would never measure up...I would never be cute enough, smart enough, fun enough, make good decisions....you name it...so in an effort to compensate for that I would try to act differently around different ppl...I thot that as long as I didn't act like "me" then I would be ok. Mask after mask after mask I wore in an effort to be accepted....liked.....even loved by friends, family...even people I had never met.

Laying on that table that day I realized that no one else's mask is going to fit me but mine. If I try to put another mask on it is only going to cause me discomfort.....it will never fit me....for me to heal I have to be me. All other masks are thrown out and with my Laurie mask on the healing continues.