It's 3:45 in the morning and I can't sleep. I have slipped on a new black sweater that my mom bought me today in hopes that it warms me up but I think the cold is coming from the inside as well as the outside. Still, it is soft and covers my arms which is somehow comforting.
The cancer is growing again...in my skull...we aren't sure about anywhere else but we will know more in a few hours....I have a bone scan scheduled for later "today" and another PET scan scheduled for next week.
Yesterday I was in no pain...tonight my hip hurts , my neck hurts, between my shoulderblades...and my heart....the last one I don't think I have to explain.
Right now I am not really "anything" when it comes to emotions....I don't think it all sinks in at once....radiation starts tomorrow and goes for the next 4 weeks. This time I get to lose the hair.....at least that is what they tell me.
For the first time in all of this I feel defeated.....I don't like that feeling...it feels "too big"...it feels like someone is playing a trick on you and they outsmart you and there is nothing you can do about it. Yes, that is exactly what it feels like.
Miracles are possible ...I know that with my head....what's left of it anyway.....just not sure there are any scheduled in my near future. Sometimes hope takes too much energy....if feels like too much energy tonight.
When I know more I will pass it on.
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