Knee jerk reaction

I woke up to fog this morning....lots of fog. Pretty normal for this time of year...and for the street we live on...weird how this street seems foggier than most others in this area....maybe there is something we are not getting...as a street I mean...nevermind, if I go there I will never get this written.

I have just been thinking about this one radiation session I had last week. At the time it was happening, I was thinking "this means something more" but I am still trying to put my finger on it.

This is what it looks like when you are having treatment...the table is only as wide as your body, hard as a rock, the mask is fastened to the table and this giant "thing" rotates around you and you lay perfectly still. Up until last week I was only having treatment to my skull...this meant I did not need to put on a hospital gown...just street clothes, the radiation mask and I was done. Last week they added T1-T8 to the list of "fields" that they are going to treat...which translates into hospital gown...so here comes the part where Laurie lays it all out there, and it ain't easy...

As a result of the second radiation my hair is falling out...stupid pride is really making that a toughie for me...so I have been wearing hats...soon a hat won't be enough.

I went in last Wednesday for my apt. and took off my hat...what hair was there was mashed flat...I laid on the table and on goes the mask...then off comes the hospital gown....yikes...there are things there I don't want ppl to see....situations that you naturally want to keep to yourself...there are guys in that room...
With my head stuck to the table, hair dropping out, exposed to the world, I had to lay there, resisting the urge to cover myself back up. My arms were free and at my side and it was all I could do to keep them there.....a war beetween knee-jerk reaction and self control..

It was then that the thought came to me "this means something more". Half bald and half naked I laid there with zero pride....wanting to hide something...my balding head, my entire torso...my anything.....COVER SOMETHING UP PLEASE!!!!!!!
I still have more to learn it appears....more to learn about myself and trust and Love and why we are loved....