Bring on the rain

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The unexpected

Yesterday was full of the unexpected. First off the weather was actually good....at least where I come from...I also got something in the mail from my sister-in-law but I don't know what it is yet because I have to pick it up at the post office.
Then I got a CD in the mail from someone I have never met. It was his first album. Thank you Joe, that was so thoughtful, I look forward to listening and thank you Claire for coming to the event. Wow, that was a very fun and interesting night and I am so grateful to everyone.

Next on the list was my Dr's appointment. The scan results were unexpected, my blood test results were unexpected, I was given two shots and an IV that were also unexpected...and I learned that I will be having surgery soon....very unexpected.

Lots of the unexpected in the last year of life. Some very wonderful and some very hard and very sad.

I am learning more and more that today is the only day I need to deal with. I don't need to deal with tomorrow because tomorrow may very well be full of the unexpected.

Today I am deciding to tell my kids I love them....a lot...or at least a lot more than normal. Then I am going to eat some Halloween candy....carve that gosh darn punkin and hopefully sit and watch a movie. It's been too long.

Today

I opened my front door this morning to let the cat out. It was still very dark and it seemed colder than yesterday. I stood there for a few seconds and became aware of the total silence. There was no breeze, not a single sound. It felt oddly restful. I slipped on my son's coat that was nearby and stood there a bit longer. I thought about what life looks like now. I thought about my son who was still in his room asleep and how in just a few minutes his alarm would go off and he would wake again to his new reality. I thought about my daughter who is struggling with a condition that causes her great anxiety while she is facing huge life changes.
I thought about my appointment today with the Dr...wondering what the new treatment is going to look like, how it will affect my ability to be what I am being asked to be right now as a mom and a "dad" and a problem solver and a counselor and a form of glue to what used to be their world.

I took one last look outside and thought about the number of years I have seen those same trees and houses yet life looks so very different now. Before I closed the door I prayed for my son...for my daughter...and for an extra bit of strength.

The headache of 2010

Through this experience I am trying my best to learn new things. The learning spectrum during difficult times is huge if you are willing to look. I decided long ago that I didn't want this time to be wasted so I am looking.
Yesterday and a teeny weeny bit of today, I have gained a new found empathy for those who deal with headaches.
I'm not talking about tiny little headaches that are gone within 2 minutes of taking something....I am talking about a real honest to goodness headache that starts in the back of your head and travels up and over to the front of your head. The kind that the pills you swallow take the first available left turn to your kidneys so they can avoid any interaction with your head whatsoever.

I confess to having that very headache yesterday...I confess to thoughts of cutting off my head on several occasions...I confess to thinking of words to scream out while covering my face with a pillow but never said as my son was home and mommy is doing her best to set a good example. I already have one child that has gone rogue with her vocabulary. That's enough.

Ok so here is a funny thought....how about naming our headaches like we do storms. For example Headache Hilda, assuming of course there is someone named Hilda that may very well be the primary source of your headache....ok....maybe that's not a good idea.
(Quick change to me standing at podium in keeping with the current political season)

"So as I stand before you today ay ay ay ay (echo sounds)I say to all my fellow human beings ings ings ings...that we CAN learn from the circumstances that we are in, we just need to take the time to look and listen...(sound of loud and rising applause) Now let us go and be our better selves today and I will be right behind you after I swallow these two Aleve tablets, and we shall be victorious!"
My name is Laurie and I approved this message.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

There is only one solution to having no control over anything in your life...including the headache that has decided to reside over your right eyebrow and occasionally travel down the side of your head despite the two Aleve you took with your coffee.

That solution is to bake cookies. Not just any cookie mind you....but Oatmeal Scotchies. Holy best cookies ever after molasses, shortbread and lemon bars Batman!
Is not everyone on the planet happier whilst eating an oatmeal scotchie? I would say the answer to that is an unmistakable YES!.

Thank you Quaker Oats and Nestle for merging together with some butter and eggs to form this delicious solution to life's daily struggles.

Fatigue

This is what today looks like. Wait, I take that back. This is what getting out of bed looks like today. Enough said. But look at me all sitting at the computer and talking with you. I DID IT! I GOT OUT OF BED! It's nothing but a small miracle. I am now going to celebrate by taking another vitamin C and attempting to put on my wig and say hello to the world outside. I think I feel my blood beginning to sludge through my veins. It appears I may even have it in me to make some coffee. Oh the possibilities.....

One of those kind of days

You must forgive me today if I am a bit cranky. The fatigue from the radiation just doesn't seem to be getting better. Then there are all the other things.
I think all the light bulbs in my house got together in the middle of the night and decided that it would be funny if they all went out at the same time. Not funny light bulbs, not funny at all!
I also believe that all the hair on my dog got together and said "Ok, everyone pair off in groups of 100 and at the count of 3 we will all jump off."
THEN...while cleaning the bathtub, my leg needed to go one way but evidently my foot wasn't paying attention and my knee is now offically mad at both of them.
And today I am scheduled for another CT Scan even though I just had a Pet Ct scan 30 days ago. I guess you could call that doing the "scan scan"...oh that was bad, sorry.
No, today's scan is for next week's biopsy. And next week's biopsy is for next month's treatment. I like to see it as my little train to health. Oh, who am I kidding?! It's the big train to health...it just looks little from here, but when you get closer it is really pretty big. Holy mackerel I am tired.

So I am off to drink my second cup of healing (see coffee blog)Chuga chuga choo choo.