Confusion

This is going to sound uh...ok stupid...but stay with me because I think it will make sense eventually. Sometimes bad news can be good news because, you see, with bad news, at least you have a direction. When you have direction you can take action and feel like you are doing something. If you don't have "answers", good or bad, you just hang there...not able to do anything...and oooo dogie that there is no good.

So I suppose you could say that I was lucky to get bad news low those years ago...(can you believe it has been "years"?) Lucky in the sense that we figured out what was causing all my pain and we could start on the road to healing.

So why am I confused you ask? Or maybe you're not asking...so I am just going to tell you. I am confused due to an experience I recently had that I am not prepared to talk about at this time. I am also confused because two of my dearest friends are going through some experiences that they are not prepared for me to talk about at this time.

So to sum it all up....I am confused for me and I am confused for them and with them, which makes me triply confused. And when you are confused I don't think you should panic...well, ok, yes you panic sometimes...and that's ok....but you don't make decisions while you are confused and panicking...unless of course you are dangling from a cliff after tripping on your shoelace during a fun family hike that you really didn't want to go on at first, and then the guilt you felt for wanting to stay home and take a nap and later get a pedicure began weighing on you so you ultimately decided to go and now look where you are.....hanging off a cliff...then you can have confusion, panic, AND make a decision at the same time.

I hate seeing my friends going through this pain and confusion business, I hate it hate it hate it...but you can't totally wish pain out of people's lives. Pain is what makes us better people. So what I am praying and wishing for them is that the pain and confusion don't last much longer...that answers and relief will come so that I can feel better : ) I mean....Just kidding girls...you know I love you.

Big scan update

Two days ago I voluntarily chose to have a BIG scan...a Pet CT they call it. It is the mother of scans as we know them. I volunteered to have it because I had reason to believe that the results were going to be mind boggling. But the Big scan showed little improvement. It's only result really was making me mad and a small loss of hope...which I am sure will pass...at some point..eventually...possibly...or come to think of it maybe not at all. At least that is how I feel today.
Well, if you will excuse me I have to pour myself some coffee and beat my head against a wall....softly...so it won't crack...it will probably be very unsatisfying.
Have a great day.

You can't take the mom out of cancer...

I was talking with a friend last night. I mentioned that I have been able to go up the stairs lately. This is a big deal for me. I haven't been able to do stairs...as in more than 2 or 3...in a very very long time.

I decided that with my new found ability I would venture up my stairs and see what the kids rooms looked like. OH THE HUMANITY!!!!
My kids are old enough now to manage their own rooms....I know that! But for the love of Peter this was awful and my mom-isms burst forth...."Where do you think you live? A barn?" "What, were you raised by wolves?"

I was reminded by my friend that it's time to pick my battles more carefully and their rooms should not be on that list. She's right. If they want to live like pigs in a stye then...well...then I guess they can...ohhh that is painful.

Then the thought came to me that my daughter will hopefully, at some point, be applying for a job this summer....oh dear God let it be so...
Here again, pick my battles. So the two battles I am picking for today is cancer and staying awake to watch 24 on DVR and Idol. That's tough enough I think.

Additional chapter to my book

I think I may have to add an additional chapter to my book...or maybe even an additional book with lots of chapters on Staying Married Through Cancer.
This is a dicey dynamic....it changes everything. Everyone's world is rocked...everyone has choices to make...that's the "everyone" that is a grown-up...and those choices affect everyone else.
But before I write anything on the subject I will have to figure out the how-to part. So far, I don't have any answers.
Thank you. That is all.

Doubt

I am really struggling with doubt right now. A few things have happened recently and I really should be thinking differently about them. It would be easier and make more sense to you if I could just blurt them out, but I can't....those "things" are currently in the witness protection program. Hopefully they will be released next week but one never knows.

Doubt is a strange thing. You can doubt yourself, you can doubt other people....you can even double doubt. For example..."I doubt this doubting is going to help me in the long run."

Doubt can be a lifesaver at times...."I doubt this very thin branch will hold me as I slide to it's thinest part to take this amazing shot looking down into the Grand Canyon." Which proves that you shouldn't always doubt doubt.

Well I am not sure if anything I have said here makes any sense....but if so....congratulations on your ability to decifer the indeciferable.

Skeletal Survey

Yesterday, I drove to Seattle to see my Dr. He is really the best Dr. there ever was. I wish I could allow you to have a different opinion but I am afraid I can't.
I made the appointment yesterday because I had something I wanted to talk about.
He had no idea why I was there. My regular appointment isn't for another 10 days. Anyway when he walked in the door he instantly began talking about my blood and exploding red blood cells and pins and black holes.....wait a minute....this was my appointment....I made it and I want first right of refusal on the subject matter. So in the middle of the blood talk I said, "So, the reason I made this apt is to talk to you about____________" "OH, ok". That was it. He is so cool...with a big smile he turned and looked at me and we talked about my stuff. Then I said something about wanting it done today, like I had control over everything, and he said OK again! He is awesome. Then he said he would call me and he did....well, I called him but he got right on the phone and answered all my questions. He is even making another appointment for me.
See, this is why you will ultimately have to side with me when I say he is the best Dr. ever.
Oh, and the skeletal survey that I had yesterday...shows the cancer in a dormant state right now. YIPEEEEEE!
Just saving the best for last!!!!!!!

D-day or G-day as the case may be

I hate to be harping on the "life goes on despite cancer and you have to go on with it instead of sitting propped up in bed with coffee in one hand and a good book in another like you want to" subject, but it's true. And speaking of butts...today Forest sees the Dr. for his "procedure".Shhhhhh, I don't want him to hear me even though he is about 40 minutes away and it's raining pretty hard.

Forest, I am so sorry yet not at all sorry about this. Life may not be as spicy for you but spicy is really overrated in my opinion. Just think of how relaxed you can be. You can inhale all the fresh spring air without being transformed into some lustful ogling drooling stallion that is guided by his every sniff of mare flesh regardless of her social standing and respectable morals.

I will be right there at your side...ick...while the Dr. snips...ick...and clips...ick...and other stuff...yuck. I may have to leave for a minute, but you won't know that because you will be asleep.