Sometimes I am speechless

To understand this blog entry you will have to go back and read my entry about the dragonfly.

It's about 1:30 pm and I am in the check out line at Michael's craft store.
There is a older woman in front of me...she stood there with her back to me for a minute.... suddenly she turned around...."Do you need this dragonfly?" she asks....
"Yes I do" I reply as she hands me a dragonfly paper punch and turns back around.

I turned to tell my friend Traci who had just joined me in the line and when I turned back around she was gone. Maybe she went to the car, maybe she went to the bathroom....maybe..............

I am speechless.

Just glad to be here!

Life in a northern town.....hey ma ma ma ma ma

This is a picture of my little town, the day after my Dr's appointment, the day I am celebrating my birthday with my family and the the day that approximatley
10,452,873,591 motorcycles arrive here for the annual Oyster Run.
It is a sight to behold. I have always wanted to ride on a motorcycle. I did it once years and years and years ago...but I don't think I really appreciated it...I was too busy thinking of ground up flesh and head cracking.

I don't believe I would think that any more. I would think of flying and the wind in my hair...uhhh my face...and freedom from the unpleasantness of being another year closer to...eh uh cough cough 50...it would be a teeny tiny escape from cancer.
I think a motorcycle ride would be healing....I think it might kill cancer cells...I am now officially volunteering for medical testing based on this theory.
Zoom Zoom..........

Scan, poke, appointment, status, poke poke poke

Tomorrow I have another chest CT scan scheduled for 10 am. The doctor is again going to measure the fluid in my lung cavity to make sure the medicine is still working.
This is the fastest way to determine the drug's effectiveness evidently.

Then it is off to do lab work, then to talk to the Dr about the scan and the lab work, then into the Chemo room for a 90 minute IV that typically requires at least 3 attempts to stick that needle in my vein... but the record currently stands at 10....OUCH

What is real vs. what is true

I never was a hand raiser in class. I was always afraid I was going to misunderstand the question and then look like a dork...thus having no hope for a date for Homecoming or anything else for that matter.

But now that I am older and can boss others around I am going to ask you all to be hand raisers and tell me what you think.

I was thinking about what is real and what is true...I am not going to give any hints so here is your chance to share straight from your gut....
This is officially a DORK FREE ZONE so no holding back now.

Question #1 Physical pain. Is it real....true...both

Question #2 Emotional pain.....real....true....both

Question #3 Will my hair ever grow back on the top.....yes....no....maybe


Looking forward to your response : )

Conversations without talking

Today was a very good day. I am tired after being on the road for several hours but I am glad for the trip and what it did for me.
Thanks for caring...gotta go make dinner....ha ha...just teasing..

Today I had coffee (a very healing legume as it turns out)with a friend I first met when I was 10 years old. We lived next door to each other and I refuse to describe the performances we spent hours choreographing and singing so that we could gather all two of our mothers to sit and watch our fabulous 10 minute show....as far as we knew, we were destined for a life in the performing arts for sure.
Our adventures go beyond our dancing and singing skills but that's going down a rabbit trail that would probably incriminate one or the other of us (just kidding mom and dad).

When we met today, it was as if no time had passed..... I love those friendships. No one takes those years of silence and complete absence from each other's lives personally....it's awesome.

As we sipped our coffee we talked about all kinds of things, then she told me about how she ended up working for her current employer. It might sound boring to someone else but for me it was almost like I was having a conversation with someone else...but this conversation didn't involve any talking.

If you have read my previous blog, I have had a difficult time trying to figure out my place and purpose now that the family dynamic has changed....I have been forcing myself to come up with options...making myself take time to think about it, rolling it around and around....to no avail....I did learn something through this experience though....I learned this was a colossal waste of time.....

You see...all my girlfriend did was live her life and make herself available for this type of thing to happen. The job was delivered to her.

Now I may or may not be looking for work (if you are looking for someone on a very part-time basis....call me)...it may be something entirely different, but once again I am reminded that this life is not in my control....which if you think about it, is so great because God has so many more connections than I do and we all know that it's really all about WHO you know!

So goodie-gumdrops, Laurie gets to sit and wait some more....but I feel better about it now.

Where do I fit in.........

I have spent the last few days pondering a new question...maybe it is more of a thought....no, it's a question. My mind has phrased it in several ways such as.....
What am I supposed to do now? Am I parent or patient? Do my kids even need me around much? What am I accomplishing? Where do I fit?

A lot of things have changed around here and I now I don't know where to park myself anymore.